After months of torrid investigatory reporting, the Bill Frat Crew has unearthed the greatest cover-up in Hollywood history. The truth behind Marilyn Monroe’s overdose? Bigger. Proof that Lana Turner actually stabbed Johnny Stompanato? Not worth their time. Let’s just say that, after reading this article, you’ll never be able to watch Law and Order marathons and late night TNT the same way again.

For years now, we’ve been forced to believe that SVU’s Elliot Stabler and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s Casey Jones were played by different actors. Think about all those times that you watched a random movie on T.V. and went, “hey, it’s that guy from Law and Order,” only to have someone say, “no, you are wrong, it’s a different dude.”  And we had to take that. We had to constantly consult IMDB, 100% confident that that lieutenant, that stepfather, that henchman, that ‘other guy,’ was Christopher Meloni, only to have the internet tell us, “nope, sorry, the actor you’re referring to is actually one Elias Koteas.” Well, America, guess what? We’ve been duped.  They’re the same fucking guy.

Crazy? Maybe. But after a thorough inspection of their respective filmographies, it’s abundantly clear that one was always working when the other wasn’t and vice versa. Ok, so maybe we can’t tell that just from a brief look at their resumes. But it’s impossible not to notice that ‘both’ careers, film-wise, are full of minor, quick-shoot roles and large, year-long gaps. For example. Koteas and Meloni register a combined thirty minutes in the following: Fallen, Harold and Kumar, Nights in Rodanthe, Zodiac, Shooter, Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Wet Hot American Summer, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and at least several others. The roles here are levels ahead of ‘the cameo,’ yet remain small.

Koteas has made a career out of the one sequence scene-stealer. His history in Hollywood has been a collection of forgetful, yet crucial-to-the-story characters, see Fallen. He is the workingman’s chameleon. Meloni, on the other hand, is ‘the guy from SVU.’  It’s his bread and butter. It pays the bills. Meloni’s resume consists of a small role here and there, filmed during his hiatus, and 232 SVU episodes. Though both actors have never been overworked, each has remained steadily employed over the past ten plus years. Koteas does a bunch of small roles that affords him some time off. Meloni has that one big gig with a break. Basically, each career balances the other. One is, or can be, home when the other’s at work. 

Now that we’ve established that, timing-wise, the theory works, the real questions is ‘why.’ Where’s the motive? Well, the motive lies in the nature of acting. When you think of it, there are two reasons people ‘perform.’ One, for the money / fame. Two, for the love of the craft. Unfortunately, these reasons don’t always go hand in hand. Take the serial star for example. When a T.V. character becomes so familiar with the masses, for so long, the line between the actor and that role becomes blurred. If that happens, the viewer can struggle to see that actor as anything else again. Look at the Seinfeld or Friends players. Sure, a successful enough role can set an actor financially for life, but if the performer got into the business to ‘act,’ why murder your passion for a paycheck? If only there was away to have the monetary consistency of a serial T.V. gig and the freedom to disappear in a variety of roles. Hmmmm.

So, that’s exactly what Koteas and Meloni, or, as they’ll be known from here on out, Kotoni, did. Kotoni, a family man - ‘Meloni’ has two children – needed the stability of a steady paycheck to support his loved ones. Kotoni – the actor – lived for the profession and needed to be able to take on and conquer role after role after role. Unfortunately, Hollywood doesn’t let you do both. So what did Kotoni do? He became two people. He became the actor that would go on to become the familiar face behind a plethora of characters and the actor that would go on to star in one of the longest running television shows of the 2000s. It was the only way Kotoni was able to have his cake and eat it too.

With the cat out of the bag, what are the next steps for Kotoni? Does he simply just ‘eliminate’ the weaker identity and become one actor, one person? Should Kotoni devote himself entirely to Meloni, finish out his SVU contract, and pursue a larger, more substantial role in the industry as the “veteran T.V. presence ready to enter the big leagues?” Nope. He should embrace his two personalities and get them working together. Think about it. How popular would a crime drama be, right now, that starred Christopher Meloni and Elias Koteas? The show would not only be an acting workshop, it’d be a visual magic trick for the audience. If Multiplicity has taught us anything, it’s that one actor can appear a number of times on screen at the same time.

Kotoni, we apologize for shining a light on your two-for-one con artistry, but the viewing public deserved to know. Mark McGuire, following his admission to steroids after years of denial, said that it was like a “weight had been lifted off of his back” and that “he could finally go on living.” The lord can only imagine what this lie has done Kotoni and how it has affected his family and job performance. We broke this story not for selfish reasons, but because we want to see Kotoni enter the new decade as one powerhouse of an actor. We're tired of seeing his natural gifts split between two subpar actor. Godspeed Kotoni. Godspeed. 

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