To get a different perspective on the vampire / pop culture phenomenon, we sent our rookie reporter to have a sit down with one of their kind. Below is the transcript from their interview. We would’ve had Cliff the Intern write the introduction, but he’s yet to return from his assignment. It’s been two weeks. In hindsight, we probably should have just conducted this via Skype…

Hello, I’m here with Luscious LeRoy, a real life vampire. Thanks for sitting down…

I didn’t say it was all right for you to use my real name.

Sorry, I thought we could, I didn’t…

I’m fucking with you man. Don’t be so uptight. Haven’t you seen Twilight? We’re all a bunch of pussies.

Ok good, let’s dive…

I was being sarcastic you mortal weenie. Watch your tongue or I’ll rip it out. (Pause). Got you again! Jesus Christ, I can smell the nervousness seeping out of your puckered up butt hole. Proceed. Seriously. But don’t piss me off. Just kidding. But seriously. Don’t.

Ok, first question, why are you so popular right now?

I don’t know, why don’t you ask Jesus why he was the focus of so many renaissance-era paintings? I mean, come on man. Don’t question the inspirers, question the inspired. You think Jordan could have stopped the sports reporters from writing and talking about him?

So, you’re not surprised by the fad?

Surprised? If anything, I’m pissed it took this long. Sure we’ve been a part of mainstream media since the 20s, but not nearly to the extent that we’ve deserved. I think Hollywood should be forced to release a Vamp movie twice a month. We should have our own channel. It could play shit like the Vampire Chronicles over and over again. And referring to it as a ‘fad’ is condescending.

Ok, sorry, but are you worried about being over exposed?

Not at all. We’re like the NFL right now. The American public can’t get enough of us. It’s impossible to over saturate an already wet market, Clyde

Cliff. Anyways, are you at all concerned by the recent success of Zombieland and District 9. Could aliens or the undead be the next big thing?

I saw District 9. Didn’t like it. I saw Zombieland. Wasn’t funny. Next question.

What do you like?

I think Pixar’s ok. Meryl Streep’s all right, too. I think wizards are for cowards though, so don’t even ask about Potter. Can we move this along. I’m getting thirsty.

All right. Let’s get to it. So, what has the media gotten wrong recently regarding vamps?

First off, ‘vamps’ is our word, honkie. Watch it. Second off, a lot of the contemporary flicks imply that we enjoy animal or synthetic blood. This is bullshit. Yea, I’m sure you can drink Miller High Life, but you choose to have a beer that doesn’t give you violent diarrhea. Same thing. I’m not going to drink fake, vomit-inducing blood if the good stuff’s readily available and doesn’t cost anything. I’m sure you’d all like us to love the faux shit, but I’d like you to stop polluting the planet with your cars and all ride bikes.

Anything else?

We’re not really moody and brooding. I mean, we sleep all day and hang out at night. We also don’t have any of the insecurities and worries that come with old age. Why the fuck would we brood? That’s for the gothic losers that want to be us but can’t because we won’t have their lame blood. Stop dressing in black and wearing dark eye-liner and maybe we’ll hook up.

Do we get anything right?

We’re as sexy as you make you make us out to be.

Nice. So I’m going to rattle off a few movies and shows, and you tell me how Vampires feel about them. True Blood…

I don’t get it.

The show?

No, Anna Paquin’s appeal. Boo yea. I think True Blood’s for people without the internet or for those that are morally against watching real porn.

Twilight…

Don’t insult me. Count Chocula is closer to the real thing than Robert Pattinson. All this movie got is how sweet our hair tends to be.

Blade…

Are you serious? Snipes is only good at cross-overs and tax evasion. This whole trilogy pissed me off. His character probably killed something like 400 vamps over the course of three movies. Do you know what that would have done to our community? He was committing borderline genocide. But, oooo, “it’s ok because he’s just killing vampires.” You know that’s exactly how the uninvolved Germans explained away the acts of their brethren 60+ years ago?

Dracula…

I hate that fucking lisp you guys give him. Also, cool it with the widows peak. Dracula was blond and had curly hair for Christ sakes. 

Van Helsing…

Imagine how the Russians feel when they watch Rocky IV or Red Dawn.

Underworld…

I’m glad you brought this up. News flash everyone, we get along with werewolves. We share a common goal, to turn as many sweet human dudes and gals into one of us. While we’re here, do you know who we don’t get along with? People that don’t cover their mouths on public transportation. People that can’t figure out the self checkout machines at the super market. People that wear their headphones around their necks with the music on. We kill them. Werewolves? The only arguments we get in are over leftovers.

From Dusk Till Dawn…

Another one that embraces a terrible misconception. Say I’m about to put a dent in your neck and you sprinkle holy water on me. I’m going to melt or scamper away? You might as well try spitting. Holy water does shit. Vampires tend to have indigestion, but other than that, garlic’s fairly useless, too. Stick with a stake through the heart. Everything else is horseshit. Actually, bring the garlic. I’ll sprinkle it on your corpse. Idiot. Clooney’s all right in it though.

Dracula 2000…

Lazy slasher flick, but worth acknowledging because I imagine Gerard Butler would want this one back. I feel bad for him. Yep, he’s Dracula. Hope the check covered your fifth and sixth steroid cycle. Loser.

I Am Legend…

Oh, so every fictional movie monster that doesn’t out during the day must be a vampire? If it smells like shit, right? These weren’t vampire. More like I Am Terrible.

30 Days of Night…

These were vampires. I mean, they weren’t sexy or civilized. But you get what we’re capable of with this one. Also, Josh Hartnett made a less believable vampire killer than Hugh Jackman. And Jackman has a Tony award.

Interview with a Vampire…

Couple things. Kirsten Dunst, despite actually being a vampire, delivers one of the worse vamp performances of all time. What a dud. Second, and not that there’s anything wrong with this – we’re a forward thinking bunch and all - but there is way too much homoeroticism in this movie. I mean, who is Brad Pitt going to French kiss first, Cruise or Antonio Banderas? And it is funny that you finish with this movie. Remember what happen to Christian Slater at the end, once he wraps up the interview?

I’ve never seen it…

Good….

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