Boston, Mass. – December 23, 2009 -- Bill Frat LLC, the global authority on Keanu Reeves, Die Hard theology, training montages, and everything bro-related within the movie arena, has recently announced that they are dropping Tiger Woods as their official spokesperson. Disappointed with the number and, more importantly, the type of women to surface in the wake of the golf star’s sex scandal, the corporation no longer feels that Woods is the right representative for their advertising.

Believing that, when they signed him three years ago, they were getting a Wilt Chamberlain-esque lothario, the Bill Frat team has been very vocal with their dissatisfaction concerning his resume. The announcement ends days of speculation on whether the company would remain as a sponsor or not.

“Back in 2006, Mr. Woods assured us that, when reports of his sexual conquests would eventually leak, we would be impressed with and pleased by his accomplishments,” says Frat chairman Bill Flanagan. “For what he guaranteed, not only is 12 an insult – I mean, Jon Gosselin has doubled that number – but we are embarrassed and appalled by his taste. That’s not we’re about.”

Industry insiders report that the Frat brand was approached by Woods a number of years ago and were sold on the idea that, one day, he would be at the head of the “sex scandal to end all sex scandals.” The Frat Board, ever the patient bunch, were thrilled with the concept of a ‘slow-burn’ partnership and eagerly awaited the time the news would break.

Now, with every picture revealing a 6 or lower – that’s a C or worse for those that operate on the female grading system vs. the numerical one - and reports that one of the mistress’s works at a waffle house, it’s become blatantly obvious that Woods has failed to deliver on his promise. Early surveys indicate that the average B. Frat customer makes a ‘Tiger is a desperate, self conscious loser’ comment at least twice a day; not exactly the image the proud Frat enterprise wants to be affiliated with.   

“To market yourself as a wholesome family man while you’re actually a horn dog is one thing,” says former Bill Frat pitchman Burt Reynolds.” “But to sell yourself as a modern day Don Juan, when you’re just slightly better than Steve Phillips is borderline Un-American. He’s sh*t on everything this company – this lifestyle – stands for.”

With the separation complete, the only question that remains is who will follow Woods as Bill Frat’s next spokesperson. This question, rumor has it, has ignited a mini firestorm in the industry, with everyone from A-lister to John Stamos making a bid at the coveted honor.

“Due to legal reasons, we cannot comment on the selection process,” adds Flanagan. “But you can bet your bottom dollar that we’ll be ignoring the golfers. Except for John Daly; he’s in the running.”

When details of the Bill Frat / Woods partnership emerged this week, the golfer's reputation finally, and painfully, hit rock bottom. The U.S. has, time and again, forgiven the adulterer. But whether they will forgive a man that lied about being a bro is certainly asking a lot. 

Comments (0)

Write comment

Name

Comment

smaller | bigger

Add Comment