One of the worse movie months of the year, February is a figurative black hole for theater-goers. Perhaps you’ll get a surprise hit here or there, but, traditionally, you’re left with just a couple chick flicks and a few throwaway slashers. And now that the Oscars have moved to March, the only things to look forward to are the brief and unsatisfying TV teasers that debut during the Super Bowl.

I get that studios want to hold onto their better movies for the more bankable seasons, but why not, if you’re just going to be releasing crap anyways, try a few innovative campaigns and promotions to bring excitement to February. So here you go Hollywood. The following are a handful of ideas on how to spice up the month.

Booze-uary:

For the month of February, Hollywood will commission Lowes to sell alcohol. It’s no secret that beer makes bad movies better. For example, watch From Dusk Till Dawn. Crappy, right? Now watch From Dusk Till Dawn 11 beers deep. Borderline brilliant, yea? This works for thousands of flicks. Booze turns Seagal into Brando. If you’re going to give us a month of shit, the least you can do is supply us with a substance that will allow us to better appreciate your crap. “Yea, February sucks, but at least we can drink at the movie theatre.”

C List Battle Royale:

This month needs to ‘matter.’ The success of summer blockbusters can make or break a studio’s year. Movies released from October through December are considered Oscar Contenders. No one cares about Feb. flicks. That’s why we need to make people care. And the way to do it is to put careers at stake. Take two relevant, but C list actors – say Cuba Gooding Jr. and Van Der Beek – and put their careers on the line. Release two movies starring these bums on the same weekend and whoever’s movie makes less money will never be allowed to act again (or will at least have to take a seven year sabbatical). You could turn the whole month into a C List Battle Royale. Week one: Cuba vs. Beek. Week two: Christian Slater vs. John Leguizamo. You’ll still be watching lousy movies. But at least they’ll matter.

The Heater:

Though it’s rare, a crap movie can be saved if there’s that one guy in the audience that knows how and when to deliver the perfect one-liner. If an audience collectively recognizes that a movie sucks, than the entire flick becomes open for ridicule. It’s not easy to pull off – and awkward outbursts are just uncomfortable and annoying – but a brief callout at the right moment will have the theatre dying. That’s why Hollywood needs to rent out or hire ‘Heaters,’ Joe Schmos that will improve a film through their cinematic heckling. Once you know a movie is failing, the Heater comes in and upgrades it through his verbal assault and wit. Though Heaters could make a killing every month, they would only come out for February.

The Season Preview Feature:

We currently live in a 140-character-or-less world. The shorter the better. We’re being bred to digest content impulsively and quickly. In other words, we are tailor made for trailers. February is the month when big summer blockbusters start releasing their previews. Why not, as an industry, you agree to package the 20 or so most anticipated trailers of the season into one movie. Not only would people go see Summer Preview (or The Year Ahead), but it would be the most entertaining hour of the month. After the first week, go ahead, leak them on the internet, but if you made a big deal about ‘The is Will Be Your First Look at X, X, and X,’ people will come.  

Be Really Bad:

There’s nothing worse than a bad movie trying to pass itself off as a good one. February needs to embrace its role as the shitty movie month and go for broke. No more pictures that ignore their campy destiny and take themselves too seriously, like The Wolfman. No more overly sensitive romantic comedies that refuse to be fantastically shameless. Hollywood needs to set strict restrictions so that only the worse will be screened. It’ll be like the anti-Cannes. The month will become a phenomenon. The worse movie of Feb. will be an honor. If you’re going to give us crap, make it real, genuine, classic crap. I want 28 days of Takens and Hard Targets.

So, there you go H-Wood, these are 5 ways you can take the most boring month on your calendar and turn into the most exciting (if not the least predictable) 28 days of the movie year. (And I even held onto my XXX Night idea). Genius.

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