Right now, the script for 47 Ronin, an epic period film about a band of Samurai in 18^th century Japan, is being rewritten so that Keanu Reeves can star in it. All the story really needs is a ‘his dad was a tourist’ line here or a ‘we found him outside the American embassy’ revelation there and, wallah, his ethnicity is no longer an issue. It’s so easy, studios should have been looking for ways to write Keanu Reeves into movies decades ago. The following are a few famous monologues, tweaked slightly to suit Mr. Reeves’ talents as a performer…  

A FEW GOOD MEN:

Col. Jessep: You want answers, bra?

Kaffee: I think I'm entitled.

Col. Jessep: Bra, you want answers?

Kaffee: I want the truth!

Col. Jessep: You can’t handle the truth!
[pauses] Bra, we surf in a world that has waves, and those waves have to be guarded by bruising beach locals with nasty tats. Whose gonna do it? You? You, going to police those tasty nars? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly imagine. You weep for a broken board, and you curse the sandy bros. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing the code of the ocean. That broken board and face full of grain, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while un-bodacious and totally not tubular to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth, bra, because deep down, in places you don't talk about at, like In and Out Burger, you want me on that wave, you need me on that wave. We use words like cowabunga, gnarly, sweet. We use these words as the backboner of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. Not cool. I have neither the time nor the attention span to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanky of the very awesomeness that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I deliver it. I would rather you just said ‘bra, thank you,’ gave me some knucks, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a boogie board, and hit the water. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Kaffee: Did you order your goons to knock me off my board?

Col. Jessep: I did the job I...

Kaffee: Did you order your goons to knock me off my board!?

Col. Jessep: You’re Goddamned right I did, bra!

FIELD OF DREAMS:

Terence Mann: Ray, people will come. They'll come to Cali for reasons they can't even fathom. They’ll think they’re stoned. They'll turn up your sandy walkway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. Like they’re mother fuck’n lit like a lamp. They'll arrive at your door as blitzed as college kids, longing for a poke. “Of course, we won't mind if you toke a bit,” you'll say. “It's only $20 per puff.” They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and a sweet high they lack. And they'll skip out to the bongos; sit shirtless on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved Oreos somewhere along the dunes, where they munched on Oreos when they were little toasties and listened to Van Halan backwards. And they'll play Mario Kart for hours and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in acid. The memories will be so colorful and loud that they'll have to brush the goofy grins from their faces. People will blaze Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been weed. America has rolled it up for generations. It has been spun into a joint, smoked, and spun again. But weed has marked the time. This pipe, this eighth: it's a part of our hazy, hazy past, Ray. It reminds us of all that good, sweet, delicious dope. Oh... people will blaze Ray. People will most definitely blaze.

DIRTY HARRY

Harry Callahan: Now, I think I know what you're thinking. "Did he, like, fire six shots, or only five?" Well, to be honest with you, I have no fucking idea. I’d blame it on the excitement, but I was so hungry for a meatball sub, I kind of lost track myself. And I can’t count past four when my fingers are wrapped around this gun. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful, boss, keen, nifty, swell handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself two questions: One, what is the Matrix? Two, do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? And did you get the second Matrix? I was in it and I had no idea what the hell was going on. Well, did ya?

TAXI DRIVER:

Travis Bickle: [Travis is trying out his new Wii remote in front of a blank TV] Huh? Huh? [Swings] Faster than you. That’d be a home run. Or a double, at least. Fucking son of a... that’s a foul ball! Shitheel. [Brings the controller down]. I'm just standing here; you make the pitch. You make the pitch. It's your pitch...[Swings]. Home run you fuck.

[Brings the controller down, sees his reflection in the TV]. You squint’n and furrowing your brow at me? You squint’n and furrowing your brow at to me? You squint’n at me? Then who the hell else are you squint’n and furrowing... you squint’n at me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're looking at so vapidly? Oh yeah? OK.

JERRY MAGUIRE:

‘Sup? ‘Sup. I'm lookin' for my bra. Hold up. Okay...okay...okay. If this is where it has to go down, then this is where it has to go down, all right. I'm not going to let you just stop broing. How about that, huh? I used to be nasty at this. You know, crushing a living room full of non-bros. They'd send me in there, and I'd bro it alone. And I’d have you all dude’n it in a heart beat. Now I just...(Pause). But tonight, our little softball team in the beer league, our team just won a very big game -- a very, very big game. But it wasn't nearly as bro as it should have been, wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as bra-some, because I couldn't bro-hug it out with you afterwards.  I couldn't chest bump you or secret hand shake it with you.  I miss my -- I miss my bro. We live in a square world man, a square, lame world, and we compete in a recreational sport full of the toughest bras. I dig ya buddy. You – bro-plete me. And I just had --

Dorothy (Don):  Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. You had me at ‘sup. You had me at ‘sup.

BRAVE HEART:

William Wallace: El duderinos of Scotland! I am Bill Wallace.

Soldier 1: Bill Wallace is a big bro, nearly seven feet tall!

William Wallace: Yea, I've heard that ish through the grapevine. Takes down losers by the benjamins. And if he were here, he'd give the English noogies with his knucks and Indian burns with his paws and lightning bolts from his butt.

[Scottish army laughs] I am Bill Wallace! And I see a whole army of my bros, here in defiance of the anti cool. You've come to hang as free bros... and free bros you are. What will you do with that sweetness? Will you bro?

Soldier 2: Bro? Against that? No! We will sip non-alcoholic beverages. And we will live.

William Wallace: Aye, bro and you may die. Sip non-alcoholic beverages and you'll live... at least a tinsy bit. And doing pilates, listening to Coldplay, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell these lame bastards that they may take our bars, footballs, gym memberships, and babes, but they'll never take... OUR BRO-DOM!

To read famous scenes and monologues rewritten for Tom Cruise, check this out: http://billfrat.com/index.php/movies/hollywood/Classic-Scenes-Rewritten-for-Tom-Cruise.html.

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