Whether or not Green Zone, the new Matt Damon vehicle coming out March 12th, will be exactly like the spy series that made its star an A-lister, the new thriller is shamelessly marketing itself as “Jason Bourne in Iraq.” Though we’re usually pissed at such blatant acts of unoriginality, the Bill Frat crew isn’t going to complain about this one. In fact, here are fifteen other movies that’d we’d pitch as Bourne copycats…

The Silent Shusher (Jason Bourne as a Librarian)

Tagline: It’s Not Just the Mystery Aisle that’s Full of Secrets 

Premeditated Preschool (J.B as a Preschooler)

Tagline: Forgetting Your PB&J is One Thing, Forgetting You’re a 5 Year Old Assassin is Another. (The sequel to this will be Kindergarten Killer).

The Menstruating Manuscript (J.B as a Middle Aged Housewife) 

Tagline: It’s Going to Get Bloody. (Alternate title: The Red Zone)

Malice in Wonderland (J.B. as the Mad Hatter)

Tagline: Find the Rabbit. Kill the Queen.

The Pandora Complex (J.B as a Na’vi)

Tagline: On this Planet, the Only Thing More Dangerous than Your Surroundings is Yourself. And Your Ponytail.

Running On Empty (J.B as Tyler Perry)

Tagline: It’s New to You If You’re Amnesiac.

Mind Sweepers (J.B as an Olympic Curler)

Tagline: The Cold Blooded Athlete is a Cold Blooded Killer. (This movie will be 3+ hours long).

The Nuclear Narrator (J.B as Morgan Freeman)

Tagline: Like Listening to Shawshank While Playing Grand Theft Auto.

Violent Confusion (J.B as a Lost Fan)

Tagline: He’s Been Lied to for Six Years. If He Doesn’t Get Answers, He’s Going to Kill Someone. 

Fade to Black Eyeliner (J.B as an Emo Kid)

Tagline: Tight Situations. Tighter Jeans. Kinda Gay.

Black Belt Blackout (J.B as a Drunk)

Tagline: John Borm Can’t Remember Who He Is. John Borm is a Spy. And a Blackout Drunk. 

Eat, Sleep, Judge, Kill (J.B as a Domesticated House Cat)

Tagline: Silently Pretentious. Purrfectly Trained.  

The Clipper’s Dilemma (J.B as a Gay Hair Dresser)

Tagline: Time to Get Your Hair Dead.

The Born Identity (J.B as a Newborn)

Tagline: 9 Pounds. Blue Eyes. Healthy. Deadly

The Flaccid Factor (J.B. as an Aging Porn Star)

Tagline: The Hardened Criminal Becomes a Softie. 

Any Others I'm Missing...? 

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