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In honor of the upcoming Fast and Furious, we give you a day in the life of Paul Walker…
7:55: Pretend to wake up so your fiancé doesn’t find out that you never need to sleep.
7:56: Gently nudge her 19-year-old body. Quickly do the math. Take off your socks so you can count toes. Realize you’re over 15 years he senior. Mouth the word ‘bro.’
8:05: Shuffle downstairs for a tuna sandwich. You like tuna and breakfast is just too damn complicated and unattractive.
8:06: Consider going with extra mayo. Turn the fan on full speed – you like it fast – and stare off into space.
9:10: Decide to go with extra mayo and greet the fiancé on her way downstairs.
9:15: Help her with algebra homework and send her off to school. You may have gotten number 8 wrong, but…whatever man.
9:20: Walk over to tv, flick on FX and watch yourself in Fast and the Furious. Mute it when anyone else is talking. Movie’s not worth it.
10:15: Give up on your masterpiece, think about putting on a shirt, pass, mouth the word ‘bro,’ and head upstairs, passing only briefly to catch yourself in a mirror.
10:30: ‘Briefly’ turns into 15 minutes. Remove yourself from hallway mirror. Begrudgingly.
10:32: Head into game room and play Adams Family pinball. Get to the double ball level and flame out several seconds into the bonus round. Nearly flip out, but catch yourself. You’re a calm bro. You’re a bro that controls his emotions. Exhale. Whisper ‘bro.’
11:01: Figure you should probably get your day started. Only after a pop tart and 25 push up! Slam a gogurt because your push up form was phenomenal.
11:15: Text a couple friends how the swells are.
11:18: Throw on your wet suit. But only to the waist. Slam another gogurt because they’re so good. Go Wild Raspberry because, today, you’re extreme.
11:32: On the way out, check to see if Clooney has left a voicemail. Bastard, it’s been nearly seven days!
12:41: Arrive at the beach. Snag your board and pause. Think about how sweet it’d be if elephants could surf.
1:18: Rip a couple nasty nars. Pound a Dew and fist pound your bros. You don’t need to say it.
1:54: Wrap up a sick session and shake your head until your head dries. Laugh because you kind of look like a dog.
1:58: Build a tee pee, come inside, close it tight so we can hide, over the mountain, and around we go, here’s my arrow, and here’s my bow.
2:00: Now that your shoes are on, you can head out.
2:20: Sign some autographs in the parking lot.
3:10: So many fans. Find your car. Hop in the driver’s side.
3:36: Drive by the park. Holler quickly at Vin as he runs by. You recognize those traps anywhere.
3:37: Hit it in reverse. Jump out and push Vin on his final 2 miles. Suggest doing some Indian suicides. Interpret his grunt as a no. You’re friends though. Everyone says you are.
4:15: Give Vin a quick stretch and encourage him to finish his mix tape. You particularly like the one with a sci fi, reggae beat. Can’t understand it though.
4:28: Slide back into the car, through the passenger side window – just because – and head to the nearest dairy queen.
4:40: Finish up your Cherry Dip and quickly check your cell to see if Clooney’s called. Nope. That tease!
4:41: Spill some ice cream on your front. But it’s ok. You haven’t put a shirt on today. Bro.
4:50: Talk to your agent about the premier tonight. Tell him that it needs to start at 7 instead of 7:30 because it’s a school night and your fiancé has a monster bio quiz. Animals.
5:05: Head over to your buddy Keanu’s house for a pre-premier hang session.
5:07: Stop by a 7-11 to pick him up a Twix and laugh to yourself as you anticipate his inevitable ‘2 for me, none for you’ joke. Killer.
5:22: Arrive at K.R’s place, wave to the security guard that you’re pretty sure you passed on the way in. Must be déjà vu.
5:26: Greet Ke-narnar with a seven minute, rehearsed secret handshake. Don’t stop until somebody blinks.
5:33: You blink. The Ke-noonoo let’s out a lion like roar, scaring the exotic birds he keeps in his garden. Was that a golden finch? Thought those were just in Harry Potter…
5:36: Saunter around the Ke-nifnif’s kitchen while Larry Fishburn whips up a couple grilled cheeses. Larry has a shirt on. Lame.
5:41: Finish snackage with a chocolate milk – what, it’s premier night – and head downstairs for some serious, serious guitar hero.
5:46: After some tight battles, the Ke-noknok throws on a blindfold and solos for a while. Breaks a couple records. Larry chose wisely.
6:15: Nail out a couple lunges, spend a quick five minutes in the hall of mirrors, and head upstairs to leave. You need to get ready for the show. Still haven’t decided what pants and color converse sneakers to wear.
6:17: Wave goodbye to Larry. The Ke-naj follows you out on his unicorn.
6:25: Pull into your drive away but hang out for a bit because the end of Free Bird just came on. Catch yourself in the rearview mirror. Bro.
6:28: Run to your bedroom, throw on some jeans, blue sneaks, and jump downstairs, skipping the last three steps. Dangerous!
6:33: Quick kiss to the fiancée. She looks great. Put on the macaroni necklace she made you for the premiere.
6:41: Getting close to the theater, throw on Slow Rider. God, Nic Cage rocks. Talk about inspiring. Let’s Ride!
6:46: Toss keys to valet left handed. Wink to let him know that, ‘yea, that was my weak hand Mother Fucker.’
6:48: Seven steps from the red carpet, get your game face on. It’s called Rock’n Bs. Cheek bones, brows, and blues are all synchronized. Bro.
6:49: Slam a Gogurt. Now it’s showtime.
6:55: Halfway through the red stroll, stare into space for the Razzi, give a quick pound to Vin, and smile. But don’t give them too much.
6:56: What was the flavor of the White Airhead?
6:58: Break from stare, throw the hands up, walk into building. Ask the manager to turn the air conditioning down a tad. It can get cold without a shirt.
7:01: Find two open seats. Settle. Forgot the twizzlers!
7:02: Never mind. Fiancée has the twizzies. Lady bro.
7:04: Hate premiers because they’re no trailers. Lame. Shut my eyes real tight and imagine one – ‘In a world where monster waves eat puppies, only one man can save them all while totally shredding. (Quick, Dachsund, hop on my board, quickly.) Couple cuts of me ripp’n while holding thirty to forty young dogs. Flash a pic of the Ke-nopnop as the bad guy. (I’m going to harsh your mellow surfer hero) (No you won’t Captain Barnacle) Freeze frame me nailing a twist. Scene.’
7:07: Oh, movie’s up.
7:15: There’s a lot of driving in this.
7:26: Love that scene with me running. Could’ve used a close up.
7:43: Little confused, but I’m liking it. Wish Clooney would call me back.
8:06: Time a pee perfectly with the one really scary moment in the movie. Suckers will never know. Wait to head back in until the audience shrieks.
8:08: And….. (scream) there it is. Nice.
8:29: It’s a little noisy, but I’m still really liking it. Mouth the movie’s climatic scene ‘Will I ever see you again?’ (Pause for Vin’s delivery) ‘Well maybe we should do this again.’ (Pause) ‘Check it, wicka wicka.’ Curtain up. Soooo ill. Still don’t really get it though.
8:41: Can’t figure out when to pound and when to shake. I think I’m just going to rock the bro hug from here on out.
8:43: Vin doesn’t like the bro hug. I’ll stick to the pound. ‘Goodbye everyone.’
9:05: It’s raining a little, so the fiancée drives to the after party so you can draw wieners on fogged up glass. What, it’s premier night!
9:12: Get to the bar and quickly order seven Coors Originals. You really are the man.
9:21: Belch and order seven more. Acknowledge the look the lady sends you and switch to light beer. It’s all about sacrifice.
9:22: Fake! Slam some Originals.
9:36: Go over and talk to Tyrese for a while. You really like the non-shirt he’s wearing, too. It’s a little darker than yours.
9:47: Make the rounds. Forget that you’re not supposed to make eye contact with Michelle Rodriquez. She sends a nasty look. The bar just got cooler. She’d play a great vampire.
9:55: Have a gogurt tequila and board the train to black out city.
10:08: Someone offers you a shirt and you slug them in the face.
10:09: All of a sudden you’re surrounded. You tap your heels three times and close your eyes.
10:10: Sounds like people are getting beat up. Open eyes.
10:12: Cloones! G.C cleans house while ordering apps on his iPhone.
10:15 After the fight you grab a drink with George, talk about bro stuff and a mythical creature called Darfur. Sounds cool. Bet the Ke-GaGa has ridden it.
10:24: Wrap up the convo. Go for the bro hug. Forget the rules!
10:46: Exit embrace and find fiancée. Pick up car from valet. Give him a quick stutter step to show him what’s up. I’m just playing.
10:57: On the way home you get yelled at for playing with the seat warmer. Girls!
11:11: Get home, make a grilled cheese – with tomato!
11:13: Make another one. So bad. Ha.
11:15: Go over to the computer and check your fantasy roster standing up, catch the rippling tricep out of the corner of your eye.
11:19: What was I doing?
11:22: Tuck the fiancée into bed and throw on a book tape for her. Pfff, reading.
11:35: Spend a couple minutes in the lab.
11:42: The sandman hits you and you figure it’s time to go fake sleep.
11:45: Throw on a shirt for bed. Bro.
11:47: Grab a seat at your writing table…’Dear Diary, today was a good day.’
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