Last week, Variety reported that 20^th Century Fox is developing a 300-like reimagining of the story of Moses. The man that delivered the Jews from enslavement will meet six packs, dark hues, and stylized violence. Genius. For years, Bible stories have been treated with kid gloves, lollipops and rainbows. No wonder why the average kid thinks that the Prodigal Son is a rock band and that the Tower of Babel is a video game. We should’ve been filtering the lord’s tales through the disembowelment of limbs, CGI swordplay, and blatant homoeroticism all along. I say we run with this formula. The following are ten Bible stories that could use the 300-treatment. God uppercut!

Creation:

Why: How could this one not work? It’s by far the most ‘flesh heavy’ of the Bible stories and could use some digitally enhanced bodies to spice it up a bit. A doughy Adam and Eve don’t sell tickets. Also, if modern Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that they can certainly deliver when it comes to CGI talking animals. This would be a dark and sexy serpent. 

Noah’s Ark and the Flood:

Why: Imagine the moment in Twister when the cow gets sucked up into the tornado and then multiply that by 1,000. And then subtract Bill Paxton and you have an idea of how awesome this movie will be. Plus, everyone loves a disaster movie.

David and Goliath:

Why: This one’s easy. It’s a Bible story that hinges on dude on dude battling. Here’s how you execute this one: take fifteen, twenty minutes to set everything up, give us a ten minute training montage, and then finish the movie with an hour-long, graphically violent, slightly gay fight scene. Also, in true 300-fashion, Goliath’s finishing move will be the Bear Hug - a long, sweaty Bear Hug.

The Tower of Babel:

Why: Because the parable doesn’t explore the carnage and mayhem that would have inevitably followed the birth of the language barrier.

The Prodigal Son:

Why: The juiciest parts of this story – the wild son’s experiences in the ‘morally corrupt wasteland’ – are glazed over. We’d get all of that in this one. Also, the slaughtering of the feted calf needs a nice graphic rendering.

Jesus Raises Lazarus from the Dead…

Why: Think the Passion of the Christ meets Zombieland. Instead of having Lazerus come back from the dead to preach the word of God, we could have him come back to feed on the brains of all non-believers.

Cain and Abel…

Why: The 300 template was constructed for brother on brother violence. This is the original ‘bro crime’ and thus deserves nauseating angles and unnecessary slow motion scenes.

Sodom and Gomorrah…

Why: No one remembers this story. Here are several components of the text that are dying to be 300-ified: the depiction of the village’s “grievous sin,” God destroying Sodom and Gomorrah with “fire and brimstone,” and Lot’s wife becoming a “pillar of salt.” 

Samson and Delilah…

Why: Everything about this story – especially its underlying message that all woman are evil (seriously, God said it) – needs to be told through the 300 lens. We can even storyboard the movie for you right now: 1, violent action scene with Samson slaughtering Philistines. 2. Graphic sex with Delilah. 3. Samson bringing the ‘house’ down and killing everyone.

The Good Samaritan…

Why: This parable’s soft. Let’s rename it: The Blood Samaritan. Much better…

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