Word is out that Universal, in an attempt to complete the worst trilogy of all time, is considering a third Riddick movie. Why invest in an original concept when there are so many terrible-to-average action movies that can just be recycled, rehashed, and re-imagined? The world deserves another chapter to the Cuthroat Island Saga. Here are ten movie sequels that should never exist but very well could, simply because that’s how Hollywood rolls …

10: Euro Train: Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes take their wacky antics abroad in an attempt to rob a trolley. Snipe’s actions in this one aren’t as eerily prophetic as they were in the original – who didn’t see that tax evasion coming – but the chemistry is as thick as ever.

9: Hard Snow: The follow up to ‘98s Hard Rain, tracks Christian – never met a squint I didn’t like – Slater through one of the worst snow storms in “living memory.” Keeping up with the ‘why the hell is he in this movie’ tone they set in the original – Morgan Freeman was the villain – Hard Snow somehow lands Russell Crowe to play the snow mobile riding bad guy. Slogan: For Tom, Hell Has Frozen Over…Again.

8: Judge Dredd 2, The Jury’s Out: Stallone, long retired, is called into duty once more to hunt down the only killer that ever got away. Borrowing heavily from Sly’s other late 90s flex fest ‘Demolition Man,’ Jury’s Out somehow cooks up a romantic pairing more awkward than Diane Lane AND Sandra Bullock. Beyonce plays the rookie cop assigned to keep an eye on the old school, grizzled vet. Rob Schneider pops up again because, well, they called.

HJO's mugshot: Jizz in my Pants

6: Pluto Nash 2, The Silky Way: Flossy astronaut Nash, played by an oblivious Murphy, smiles, laughs deeply, and farts a couple times. Though history tells you that Eddie Murphy and space don’t work – Pluto Nash and Meet Dave were made for 100 and 60 million dollars respectively and took in 4.4 and 11.8 million domestically – Fox figure that the third times the charm.

5: Newsies 2, You Can’t Stop the Internet: With numbers down across the board – thanks to that pesky world wide web – several large newspapers resurrect the Newsies to push papes and swing on ceiling fans. Christian Bale can’t get far enough away from this one, but everyone else is back! Featuring new jams: ‘Comp This,’ ‘No Porn in Papes’ and the classic ‘Where Are Their Coupons?’

4: The Fed Ex Man: Because nobody can accidently save the world from the apocalypse quite like Kevin Costner, Warner Bros. updates this bomb for the modern age, casting Brendan Fraser as Costner slightly younger delivery partner. (Side note: You know I imdb’d this movie to find out Costner’s character’s name in the original and he’s just listed as ‘The Postman.’ And the movie is 3 hours long. Still can’t figure out why it failed.)

3: XXXX, Extreme Nonsense: Vin Diesel and Ice Cube team up to fight Eastern Europeans and do no look fakey superman nar nars. Diesel loves abandoning franchises only to come crawling back. I can’t wait till someone makes the Pacifier 2 with the Rock and only so Vin can sneak back for the third.

2: The Legend of Bagger Vance 2, Diamond in the Rough: An aging left hander played by Dennis Quaid – Costner was busy with The Fed Ex Man – finds his lost fastball thanks to the ramblings of an annoying Will Smith. Quote from the movie: “You’ve been throwing with your arm for too long young fella. You need to start pitching with your heart.” Another one: “The curve only dances when you give it a melody.” One last one: “Your talent’s still there, you just need to show it that you haven’t left.”

1: Around the World in 81 Days: Replace Jackie Chan with Tony Jaa – Ong Bak guy – and Steve Coogan with Hugh Grant and you got yourself the movie they should have made five years ago. Only more violent and charming.

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