You wouldn't like us when we're angry.

This past week, Warner Brothers announced that Netflix will now have to wait 28 days after a DVD’s release date before offering it to their members. Whereas every other major studio allows Netflix to carry their titles the day a video is released, Warner Bros. ‘forces’ the casual fan to wait nearly a month to rent a new movie. Their reason is a simple one – ‘to maximize sales potential’ – but the fact that it’s “a smart business decision” doesn’t make it any less lame. So, to ‘punish’ the studio for their greedy ways, we’ve decided to research their entire library and publish a series of cheap shots directed right at them. Take that Warner Bros. You’ll rue the day you’ve angered the Frat team…

I wrote a book called ‘How to Murder a Movie Franchise’ and based all of my research on Terminator Salvation.

Your studio was founded by Jewish immigrants from Poland.

A boy wizard’s shoulders are getting pretty tired from carrying your studio the past ten years. Do you have sleepless nights imagining life after Potter? Why don’t you just split the last book up into four movies? The Time Machine and A Cinderella Story show you have no respect for literary integrity anyways.

 Giving a director creative freedom is great and everything, but did anyone at Warner Bros think about checking up on the Wachowski Brothers when they were putting together the second and third Matrix movies?

We torture Iraqi prisoners by showing them Torque.

Bankrolling a 100 million dollar sci-fi comedy starring Eddie Murphy seemed like a good idea? I have 92 million reasons why you should fire the guy that signed that paycheck.

How many categories did you win at the 2004 Smug Awards for Oceans Twelve?

Thanks for turning a beloved, good ol’ fashioned family franchise – The Dukes of Hazzard – into a 90-minute Johnny Knoxville boot to America’s groin. 

You guys did Wild, Wild West.

It’s only appropriate that the studio that made gay butt rape mainstream with Deliverance would end up bending over New Line Cinema. 

Did you consider changing your name in the 70s and 80s to the ‘Saved By Eastwood Studio.’

Being responsible for Caddyshack also makes you accountable for Caddyshack Two. What the fuck Warner Brothers. 

1984 was the year you gave us Gremlins, The NeverEnding Story, and Police Academy. Or, as the Mayan Calendar refers to it, the year that spawned twenty shitty sequels. 

You have no excuse for failing to give us a second Goonies movie.

I guess you deserve some credit for successfully selling a sex offender to minors. I’m sure everyone was surprised at Warner Bros. when Pee Wee Herman was convicted on child pornography charges. Couldn’t have seen that one coming. Hey Warner, heard any good jokes lately?

Rumor has it Steven Segal used to have an office at Warner Brothers studios. What’s the official title for ‘Brains of the Operation?’

I am impressed that you were able to release the same movie twice in a calendar year without anyone noticing. Just because the leads have different skin color doesn’t make Under Siege and Passenger 57 different from one another. Also, was the title ‘Trying to Copy Die Hard’ taken?

You have the rights to both Demolition Man and Tango & Cash. What the hell does Stallone have on you? 

And the award for most Unintentionally Homosexually Charged Movie of All Time goes to Interview with a Vampire. 

In 1995 you did Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, and Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Warner Bros: The Shitty Second Movie Studio.

So, I guess the whole “let’s see if audiences respond to a gay superhero” thing didn’t really pay off for Batman & Robin. At the least the ‘let’s see if audiences respond to a gay conqueror’ experiment worked for Alexander.  

Did the people working for Warner Independent Pictures know that they were set up to fail? I mean, four years is more than enough time to determine whether a specialty movie studio will be sustainable, right? Did you at least thank them for March of the Penguins before pulling the plug on the whole operation?

Being responsible for Syriana doesn’t make you smart, it makes you pretentious. 

Was the irony of a movie about a sinking ship, Poseiden, costing Warner Bros. a ton of money lost of you?

Remember when I gave the award for The Most Unintentionally Homosexually Charged Movie of All Time to Interview with a Vampire? I forgot you did 300. 

You should have given P.S I Love You its own postscript. P.S., this sucks.

What do you have against the History Teachers of America union? 10,000 B.C nearly destroyed their collective spirit. 

So you let Clint Eastwood make Gran Torino, also known as the racist’s manifesto, but ‘blacklist’ Mel Gibson for a ‘minor’ outburst? He did Mad Max and Lethal Weapon for you. You know by making him martyr you’re only fulfilling his fantasy. 

You’re not fooling anybody with Valentine’s Day. We all know you just recasted He’s Just Not that Into You.

If you take a letter out of The Reaping, you get the word that describes what you did to moviegoers with this movie.

Did M. Night Shyamalan show you the script for Lady in the Water or did he just present you with a picture of a turd? 

You can be proud that having a Michael Bay movie in your library that didn’t make money (The Island) is something that no other studio has.

After watching The Bucket List, I added ‘kick the guy that made this in the face’ to my list. 

I will never forgive you for showing me Diane Keaton’s breasts in Something’s Gotta Give. I can’t eat dried fruit anymore. 

Ruining Halley Berry’s career with Catwoman wasn’t enough? You had to sign off on Gothika, too? 

3000 Miles to Graceland spawned several new synonyms for ‘terrible,’ including ‘cinemapoop.’ 

Looking ahead, you have The Hobbit scheduled for 2011 and 2012. Are you guys just curious whether you can screw up a sure thing? If I’ve learned anything while browsing your list of crap, it’s that I wouldn’t bet against you.

(Editor’s note: I like Warner Brothers. They certainly hit more than they miss. But the Netflix agreement is horseshit. Please take as many cheap shots on the message board below. I didn’t even touch Miss Congeniality). 

Comments (0)

Write comment

Name

Comment

smaller | bigger

Add Comment