Whether or not Green Zone, the new Matt Damon vehicle coming out March 12th, will be exactly like the spy series that made its star an A-lister, the new thriller is shamelessly marketing itself as “Jason Bourne in Iraq.” Though we’re usually pissed at such blatant acts of unoriginality, the Bill Frat crew isn’t going to complain about this one. In fact, here are fifteen other movies that’d we’d pitch as Bourne copycats…

The Silent Shusher (Jason Bourne as a Librarian)

Tagline: It’s Not Just the Mystery Aisle that’s Full of Secrets 

Premeditated Preschool (J.B as a Preschooler)

Tagline: Forgetting Your PB&J is One Thing, Forgetting You’re a 5 Year Old Assassin is Another. (The sequel to this will be Kindergarten Killer).

The Menstruating Manuscript (J.B as a Middle Aged Housewife) 

Tagline: It’s Going to Get Bloody. (Alternate title: The Red Zone)

Malice in Wonderland (J.B. as the Mad Hatter)

Tagline: Find the Rabbit. Kill the Queen.

The Pandora Complex (J.B as a Na’vi)

Tagline: On this Planet, the Only Thing More Dangerous than Your Surroundings is Yourself. And Your Ponytail.

Running On Empty (J.B as Tyler Perry)

Tagline: It’s New to You If You’re Amnesiac.

Mind Sweepers (J.B as an Olympic Curler)

Tagline: The Cold Blooded Athlete is a Cold Blooded Killer. (This movie will be 3+ hours long).

The Nuclear Narrator (J.B as Morgan Freeman)

Tagline: Like Listening to Shawshank While Playing Grand Theft Auto.

Violent Confusion (J.B as a Lost Fan)

Tagline: He’s Been Lied to for Six Years. If He Doesn’t Get Answers, He’s Going to Kill Someone. 

Fade to Black Eyeliner (J.B as an Emo Kid)

Tagline: Tight Situations. Tighter Jeans. Kinda Gay.

Black Belt Blackout (J.B as a Drunk)

Tagline: John Borm Can’t Remember Who He Is. John Borm is a Spy. And a Blackout Drunk. 

Eat, Sleep, Judge, Kill (J.B as a Domesticated House Cat)

Tagline: Silently Pretentious. Purrfectly Trained.  

The Clipper’s Dilemma (J.B as a Gay Hair Dresser)

Tagline: Time to Get Your Hair Dead.

The Born Identity (J.B as a Newborn)

Tagline: 9 Pounds. Blue Eyes. Healthy. Deadly

The Flaccid Factor (J.B. as an Aging Porn Star)

Tagline: The Hardened Criminal Becomes a Softie. 

Any Others I'm Missing...? 

Movies with large ensemble casts that weave together multiple storylines usually take the form of a Romantic Comedy or a Drama – see Love Actually, He’s Just Not that Into You, Crash and Babel. They’re also wildly successful - see the recent Valentine’s Day (69 million its opening weekend). So why not apply this template to the action genre? The final product would be a hyperkinetic blockbuster featuring several interconnected kickass characters and scenarios. In part one of this epic movie pitch, we will explore the people that would appear in this flick…

The Players:

The ‘Married-to-the-Job’ Alcoholic Veteran.

Notes: This character will also double as the ‘I’m Too Old for This Shit’ Guy. There’s a good chance he’ll die heroically at the end, too. Probably in slow motion. And if we could triple up the cliches, we might even saddle him with some ‘shot-a-child-so-he-can’t-pull-the-trigger-anymore’ baggage.

The Mismatched Partners.

Notes: This pair could either be young and old, black and white, or male and female. We could also go for the trifecta and match a young black female with an old white male. Though they start off on completely different wave lengths, they inevitably grow to depend on – and perhaps love - one another. It helps if one is by the books and the other’s a wild card. They must always be shot in the same frame and the younger partner should frequently say ‘here we go again.'

The Retired Thief Roped Into One Last Job:

Notes: This guy must be squinty, wistful and full of nonsensical sayings such as, “a safe is like a beautiful woman, you have to be gentle if you want her to open up.” We also get to exploit a few other action favorites through this guy: the ‘old partner that never went clean’ and the ‘suspicious yet forgiving wife.’ We’ll be sure to explore themes of loyalty and second chances through this character.

The Guilty Hired-Gun On His Final Assignment:

Notes: This guy has to be involved in at least once scene where there’s a close up of his sweaty brow as he’s hesitating behind the scope of his rifle. Also, we need one sequence of him on his cell phone, pacing, shouting stuff like - “I’m out, ok, this is the last time.” He’ll also be inevitably double crossed be his long time handler who was once – or so he thought – his friend. We can touch on themes of loyalty in this one, too.

The Business-Like Getaway Driver:

Notes: As long as he looks cool behind the wheel, we don’t need a lot from this character. The chase sequences will be the star of his segment. If we need him to have some humility, we’ll tuck a picture of a young girl in his visor that he occasionally looks at says stuff like - “daddy will be home for supper, princess.”

The Remorseless and Charismatic Killer:

Notes: Nothing sells ‘I’m crazy’ to the viewer like a solo dance sequence to weird music – see Dead Calm, Reservoir Dogs, and Silence of the Lambs. Our pschyo will be sure to boogie relentlessly. He'll need a tick, too, like whistling a well known jingle before he kills.

The Eager Rookie:

Notes: I'd like this to see some version of this line uttered at least twice: "Sure you finished at the top of your class, but do he know where a coked up hustler is most likely to hide his knife? You don’t get street smarts from a book rookie."

The Recently Suspended Renegade Cop:

Notes: He’s either been suspended indefinitely or completely kicked off the force. He has a drinking problem, an ex wife, and a couple kids that call him by his first name. Outside of the occasional heart and jaw, the only thing he breaks are the rules. If Bruce Willis isn’t available, we’ll hold a loved one hostage until he agrees to do it.

The Hapless Security Guard:

Notes: Every action movies needs a comical outlet and nothing lightens up the mood like a loveable loser finally given the opportunity to shine. And, if we want to introduce a supernatural element into one of the storylines, we’d do it here and have the guard work the night shift at a mysterious laboratory. “When a genetic experiment goes wrong, the only thing standing between a bloodthirsty beast and an unsuspecting, sleepy town is a guy making $7.50 an hour.” Kevin James is probably too expensive now so we could throw a cheeseburger and couple hundred bucks at Sam Wise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings and see if he's in.

Now that we know the main players that will appear in Action, Actually, stay tuned for Part Two where we will detail the scenes and interconnected segments that will drive the movie. (Editors Note: If you're a high powered studio executive interested in purchasing Action, Actually, this pitch is for sale. Just know that I will not sell it unless I'm cast as the Eager Rookie and one of the Mismatched Partners).

What better way to preview the Oscars than with a couple Questions, some Bros & Cons, and a few Over/Unders. After this hodge podge of Academy-related content, you’ll be more than ready for the Grand Ceremonies on March 6th. In the meantime, enjoy Black History Month. GET SOME!

10 QUESTIONS:

Up is the only animated movie nominated for Best Picture. Does that make Up for Best Animated Feature the surest bet of all time?

When an author turns his or her own novel into a script, shouldn’t they be up for both Adapted and Original Screenplay?

With Baldwin co-hosting, will anyone be allowed to exit stage right or will everyone be directed towards the left?

Should Clooney and Bridges settle the Best Actor debate over a bottle of whiskey?

In the Original Screenplay Category, Up is credited to Bob Peterson and Pete Doctor for “screenplay” and Pete Doctor, Bob Peterson and Tom McCarthy for “story.” Did McCarthy just have one killer idea and nothing else? Why did he get muscled out of the writing process if he helped come up with the story? What the fuck guys? 

And I don’t buy it when two people are nominated for one script. I’ve written group papers before. So did one guy do the first half and the other guy just finish it?

Don’t you think that Oscar statues should be sized depending on the significance of the award? No way the Supporting Actor’s statue should be the same size as the Best Actor’s. He did half the work. And what about the Short Film? They should just get an honorary pin. If Cameron wins, his statue should be life size.

What categories do you think just missed the cut? Who did Sound Mixing beat out for the final spot? Catering? Lighting? Best Opening and Closing Credits?

I know that these have their own awards, but shouldn’t there be an Oscar for Best Trailer?

How close are we to a CGI character getting nominated for an acting award? Can we call it the Gollum?

BROS AND CONS:

Bros: The sports and sci-fi genres are both represented in the Best Picture category.

Cons: They’re represented by the wrong movies. Star Trek and Invictus were better than District 9 and Blind Side respectively.

Bros: Avatar is up for the most Oscars.

Cons: That’s nine times we could see Cameron’s weird flow.

Bros: Woody’s up for an Oscar!

Cons: I know more about the movies in the Best Animated Short category than I do The Messenger. Was this movie just screened for voters?

Bros: Star Trek and District 9 get some love for their killer, understated effects.

Cons: The Visual Effects Category this year has been renamed the Avatar award.

Bros: As referenced above, three deserving movies will compete for the Visual Effects statue.

Cons: What the fuck does Michael Bay have to blow up to get some love here?

Bros: Up in the Air has two chicks up for the Supporting Actress award.

Cons: They’ll probably lose to the third lead from Soul Plane.

Bros: The Wild Cat’s the favorite for Best Actress.

Cons: If she wins, that means Nic Cage is no longer the Oscar Winner with the crappiest filmography.

Bros: Despite not being up for an award, Colin Farrell remains a distinct presence in the Best Actor category. He has a substantial cameo in Crazy Heart and (probably) taught Renner everything he knows while on the set of SWAT.

Cons: He’s still probably a year or two away from the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Bros: Christopher Waltz from Inglorious Bastards (yea I know I didn’t it spell the title ‘correctly,’ I don’t want to resist my word’s AutoCorrect function just because Tarrantino’s weird) is the deserving favorite for the Best Supporting Actor Award.

Cons: If he wins, that’ll be the second Nazi portrayal in a row to receive an Oscar (Kate Winslet last year for the reader). Need I remind everyone that this America? Sure he did a great job, but shouldn’t we be recognizing real heroes like Dennis Quaid in G.I. Joe.

Bros: Sherlock Holmes is up for two statues.

Cons: Since when did the Original Score and Art Direction categories become the Kicks the Most Ass and the Screen Duo awards?

Bros: Randy Newman, who has two songs nominated for The Princess and the Frog, looks to become the first posthumous Oscar winner since Heath Ledger.

Cons: Wait. Randy Newman’s not dead?

Bros: James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow aren’t the only nominees within a category to be romantically linked. (They were once married).

Cons: I can’t see that Meryl Streep Bullock kiss again. It haunts my dreams.

10 BETS:

Over/Under 22: The age of Clooney’s date.

Over/Under 4: Shots of Jeff Bridges looking wistful when The Weary Kind plays for Best Original Song.

Over/Under 8: Times Tarantino looks like the patriarch of a Vampire clan.

Over/Under 12: Times Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin get the first laugh in following their own jokes.

Over/ Under 4: Times you’ll hear the word ‘Haiti’ more than ‘Obama.’

Over/Under 1: Standing ovations during the In Remembrance montage.

Over/Under 1.5 million: Number of people that will ask ‘wait a second; the Coen brothers did a movie this year?’

Over/Under 7: Number of people that will be played off by the house band when their speeches go on too long.

Over/Under 10: Minutes that the telecast runs past 11.

Over/Under 14: Failed attempts at humor by the winners of the Documentary, Short, Animated Short, and Animated Feature categories.  

Thanks for reading everyone and, as always, I’ve gone over my allotted time and word count.

One of the worse movie months of the year, February is a figurative black hole for theater-goers. Perhaps you’ll get a surprise hit here or there, but, traditionally, you’re left with just a couple chick flicks and a few throwaway slashers. And now that the Oscars have moved to March, the only things to look forward to are the brief and unsatisfying TV teasers that debut during the Super Bowl.

I get that studios want to hold onto their better movies for the more bankable seasons, but why not, if you’re just going to be releasing crap anyways, try a few innovative campaigns and promotions to bring excitement to February. So here you go Hollywood. The following are a handful of ideas on how to spice up the month.

Booze-uary:

For the month of February, Hollywood will commission Lowes to sell alcohol. It’s no secret that beer makes bad movies better. For example, watch From Dusk Till Dawn. Crappy, right? Now watch From Dusk Till Dawn 11 beers deep. Borderline brilliant, yea? This works for thousands of flicks. Booze turns Seagal into Brando. If you’re going to give us a month of shit, the least you can do is supply us with a substance that will allow us to better appreciate your crap. “Yea, February sucks, but at least we can drink at the movie theatre.”

C List Battle Royale:

This month needs to ‘matter.’ The success of summer blockbusters can make or break a studio’s year. Movies released from October through December are considered Oscar Contenders. No one cares about Feb. flicks. That’s why we need to make people care. And the way to do it is to put careers at stake. Take two relevant, but C list actors – say Cuba Gooding Jr. and Van Der Beek – and put their careers on the line. Release two movies starring these bums on the same weekend and whoever’s movie makes less money will never be allowed to act again (or will at least have to take a seven year sabbatical). You could turn the whole month into a C List Battle Royale. Week one: Cuba vs. Beek. Week two: Christian Slater vs. John Leguizamo. You’ll still be watching lousy movies. But at least they’ll matter.

The Heater:

Though it’s rare, a crap movie can be saved if there’s that one guy in the audience that knows how and when to deliver the perfect one-liner. If an audience collectively recognizes that a movie sucks, than the entire flick becomes open for ridicule. It’s not easy to pull off – and awkward outbursts are just uncomfortable and annoying – but a brief callout at the right moment will have the theatre dying. That’s why Hollywood needs to rent out or hire ‘Heaters,’ Joe Schmos that will improve a film through their cinematic heckling. Once you know a movie is failing, the Heater comes in and upgrades it through his verbal assault and wit. Though Heaters could make a killing every month, they would only come out for February.

The Season Preview Feature:

We currently live in a 140-character-or-less world. The shorter the better. We’re being bred to digest content impulsively and quickly. In other words, we are tailor made for trailers. February is the month when big summer blockbusters start releasing their previews. Why not, as an industry, you agree to package the 20 or so most anticipated trailers of the season into one movie. Not only would people go see Summer Preview (or The Year Ahead), but it would be the most entertaining hour of the month. After the first week, go ahead, leak them on the internet, but if you made a big deal about ‘The is Will Be Your First Look at X, X, and X,’ people will come.  

Be Really Bad:

There’s nothing worse than a bad movie trying to pass itself off as a good one. February needs to embrace its role as the shitty movie month and go for broke. No more pictures that ignore their campy destiny and take themselves too seriously, like The Wolfman. No more overly sensitive romantic comedies that refuse to be fantastically shameless. Hollywood needs to set strict restrictions so that only the worse will be screened. It’ll be like the anti-Cannes. The month will become a phenomenon. The worse movie of Feb. will be an honor. If you’re going to give us crap, make it real, genuine, classic crap. I want 28 days of Takens and Hard Targets.

So, there you go H-Wood, these are 5 ways you can take the most boring month on your calendar and turn into the most exciting (if not the least predictable) 28 days of the movie year. (And I even held onto my XXX Night idea). Genius.

After months of torrid investigatory reporting, the Bill Frat Crew has unearthed the greatest cover-up in Hollywood history. The truth behind Marilyn Monroe’s overdose? Bigger. Proof that Lana Turner actually stabbed Johnny Stompanato? Not worth their time. Let’s just say that, after reading this article, you’ll never be able to watch Law and Order marathons and late night TNT the same way again.

For years now, we’ve been forced to believe that SVU’s Elliot Stabler and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s Casey Jones were played by different actors. Think about all those times that you watched a random movie on T.V. and went, “hey, it’s that guy from Law and Order,” only to have someone say, “no, you are wrong, it’s a different dude.”  And we had to take that. We had to constantly consult IMDB, 100% confident that that lieutenant, that stepfather, that henchman, that ‘other guy,’ was Christopher Meloni, only to have the internet tell us, “nope, sorry, the actor you’re referring to is actually one Elias Koteas.” Well, America, guess what? We’ve been duped.  They’re the same fucking guy.

Crazy? Maybe. But after a thorough inspection of their respective filmographies, it’s abundantly clear that one was always working when the other wasn’t and vice versa. Ok, so maybe we can’t tell that just from a brief look at their resumes. But it’s impossible not to notice that ‘both’ careers, film-wise, are full of minor, quick-shoot roles and large, year-long gaps. For example. Koteas and Meloni register a combined thirty minutes in the following: Fallen, Harold and Kumar, Nights in Rodanthe, Zodiac, Shooter, Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Wet Hot American Summer, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and at least several others. The roles here are levels ahead of ‘the cameo,’ yet remain small.

Koteas has made a career out of the one sequence scene-stealer. His history in Hollywood has been a collection of forgetful, yet crucial-to-the-story characters, see Fallen. He is the workingman’s chameleon. Meloni, on the other hand, is ‘the guy from SVU.’  It’s his bread and butter. It pays the bills. Meloni’s resume consists of a small role here and there, filmed during his hiatus, and 232 SVU episodes. Though both actors have never been overworked, each has remained steadily employed over the past ten plus years. Koteas does a bunch of small roles that affords him some time off. Meloni has that one big gig with a break. Basically, each career balances the other. One is, or can be, home when the other’s at work. 

Now that we’ve established that, timing-wise, the theory works, the real questions is ‘why.’ Where’s the motive? Well, the motive lies in the nature of acting. When you think of it, there are two reasons people ‘perform.’ One, for the money / fame. Two, for the love of the craft. Unfortunately, these reasons don’t always go hand in hand. Take the serial star for example. When a T.V. character becomes so familiar with the masses, for so long, the line between the actor and that role becomes blurred. If that happens, the viewer can struggle to see that actor as anything else again. Look at the Seinfeld or Friends players. Sure, a successful enough role can set an actor financially for life, but if the performer got into the business to ‘act,’ why murder your passion for a paycheck? If only there was away to have the monetary consistency of a serial T.V. gig and the freedom to disappear in a variety of roles. Hmmmm.

So, that’s exactly what Koteas and Meloni, or, as they’ll be known from here on out, Kotoni, did. Kotoni, a family man - ‘Meloni’ has two children – needed the stability of a steady paycheck to support his loved ones. Kotoni – the actor – lived for the profession and needed to be able to take on and conquer role after role after role. Unfortunately, Hollywood doesn’t let you do both. So what did Kotoni do? He became two people. He became the actor that would go on to become the familiar face behind a plethora of characters and the actor that would go on to star in one of the longest running television shows of the 2000s. It was the only way Kotoni was able to have his cake and eat it too.

With the cat out of the bag, what are the next steps for Kotoni? Does he simply just ‘eliminate’ the weaker identity and become one actor, one person? Should Kotoni devote himself entirely to Meloni, finish out his SVU contract, and pursue a larger, more substantial role in the industry as the “veteran T.V. presence ready to enter the big leagues?” Nope. He should embrace his two personalities and get them working together. Think about it. How popular would a crime drama be, right now, that starred Christopher Meloni and Elias Koteas? The show would not only be an acting workshop, it’d be a visual magic trick for the audience. If Multiplicity has taught us anything, it’s that one actor can appear a number of times on screen at the same time.

Kotoni, we apologize for shining a light on your two-for-one con artistry, but the viewing public deserved to know. Mark McGuire, following his admission to steroids after years of denial, said that it was like a “weight had been lifted off of his back” and that “he could finally go on living.” The lord can only imagine what this lie has done Kotoni and how it has affected his family and job performance. We broke this story not for selfish reasons, but because we want to see Kotoni enter the new decade as one powerhouse of an actor. We're tired of seeing his natural gifts split between two subpar actor. Godspeed Kotoni. Godspeed. 

You wouldn't like us when we're angry.

This past week, Warner Brothers announced that Netflix will now have to wait 28 days after a DVD’s release date before offering it to their members. Whereas every other major studio allows Netflix to carry their titles the day a video is released, Warner Bros. ‘forces’ the casual fan to wait nearly a month to rent a new movie. Their reason is a simple one – ‘to maximize sales potential’ – but the fact that it’s “a smart business decision” doesn’t make it any less lame. So, to ‘punish’ the studio for their greedy ways, we’ve decided to research their entire library and publish a series of cheap shots directed right at them. Take that Warner Bros. You’ll rue the day you’ve angered the Frat team…

I wrote a book called ‘How to Murder a Movie Franchise’ and based all of my research on Terminator Salvation.

Your studio was founded by Jewish immigrants from Poland.

A boy wizard’s shoulders are getting pretty tired from carrying your studio the past ten years. Do you have sleepless nights imagining life after Potter? Why don’t you just split the last book up into four movies? The Time Machine and A Cinderella Story show you have no respect for literary integrity anyways.

 Giving a director creative freedom is great and everything, but did anyone at Warner Bros think about checking up on the Wachowski Brothers when they were putting together the second and third Matrix movies?

We torture Iraqi prisoners by showing them Torque.

Bankrolling a 100 million dollar sci-fi comedy starring Eddie Murphy seemed like a good idea? I have 92 million reasons why you should fire the guy that signed that paycheck.

How many categories did you win at the 2004 Smug Awards for Oceans Twelve?

Thanks for turning a beloved, good ol’ fashioned family franchise – The Dukes of Hazzard – into a 90-minute Johnny Knoxville boot to America’s groin. 

You guys did Wild, Wild West.

It’s only appropriate that the studio that made gay butt rape mainstream with Deliverance would end up bending over New Line Cinema. 

Did you consider changing your name in the 70s and 80s to the ‘Saved By Eastwood Studio.’

Being responsible for Caddyshack also makes you accountable for Caddyshack Two. What the fuck Warner Brothers. 

1984 was the year you gave us Gremlins, The NeverEnding Story, and Police Academy. Or, as the Mayan Calendar refers to it, the year that spawned twenty shitty sequels. 

You have no excuse for failing to give us a second Goonies movie.

I guess you deserve some credit for successfully selling a sex offender to minors. I’m sure everyone was surprised at Warner Bros. when Pee Wee Herman was convicted on child pornography charges. Couldn’t have seen that one coming. Hey Warner, heard any good jokes lately?

Rumor has it Steven Segal used to have an office at Warner Brothers studios. What’s the official title for ‘Brains of the Operation?’

I am impressed that you were able to release the same movie twice in a calendar year without anyone noticing. Just because the leads have different skin color doesn’t make Under Siege and Passenger 57 different from one another. Also, was the title ‘Trying to Copy Die Hard’ taken?

You have the rights to both Demolition Man and Tango & Cash. What the hell does Stallone have on you? 

And the award for most Unintentionally Homosexually Charged Movie of All Time goes to Interview with a Vampire. 

In 1995 you did Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, and Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Warner Bros: The Shitty Second Movie Studio.

So, I guess the whole “let’s see if audiences respond to a gay superhero” thing didn’t really pay off for Batman & Robin. At the least the ‘let’s see if audiences respond to a gay conqueror’ experiment worked for Alexander.  

Did the people working for Warner Independent Pictures know that they were set up to fail? I mean, four years is more than enough time to determine whether a specialty movie studio will be sustainable, right? Did you at least thank them for March of the Penguins before pulling the plug on the whole operation?

Being responsible for Syriana doesn’t make you smart, it makes you pretentious. 

Was the irony of a movie about a sinking ship, Poseiden, costing Warner Bros. a ton of money lost of you?

Remember when I gave the award for The Most Unintentionally Homosexually Charged Movie of All Time to Interview with a Vampire? I forgot you did 300. 

You should have given P.S I Love You its own postscript. P.S., this sucks.

What do you have against the History Teachers of America union? 10,000 B.C nearly destroyed their collective spirit. 

So you let Clint Eastwood make Gran Torino, also known as the racist’s manifesto, but ‘blacklist’ Mel Gibson for a ‘minor’ outburst? He did Mad Max and Lethal Weapon for you. You know by making him martyr you’re only fulfilling his fantasy. 

You’re not fooling anybody with Valentine’s Day. We all know you just recasted He’s Just Not that Into You.

If you take a letter out of The Reaping, you get the word that describes what you did to moviegoers with this movie.

Did M. Night Shyamalan show you the script for Lady in the Water or did he just present you with a picture of a turd? 

You can be proud that having a Michael Bay movie in your library that didn’t make money (The Island) is something that no other studio has.

After watching The Bucket List, I added ‘kick the guy that made this in the face’ to my list. 

I will never forgive you for showing me Diane Keaton’s breasts in Something’s Gotta Give. I can’t eat dried fruit anymore. 

Ruining Halley Berry’s career with Catwoman wasn’t enough? You had to sign off on Gothika, too? 

3000 Miles to Graceland spawned several new synonyms for ‘terrible,’ including ‘cinemapoop.’ 

Looking ahead, you have The Hobbit scheduled for 2011 and 2012. Are you guys just curious whether you can screw up a sure thing? If I’ve learned anything while browsing your list of crap, it’s that I wouldn’t bet against you.

(Editor’s note: I like Warner Brothers. They certainly hit more than they miss. But the Netflix agreement is horseshit. Please take as many cheap shots on the message board below. I didn’t even touch Miss Congeniality). 

With the double 00s nearing the finish line, the inevitable Best of the Decade lists have started to surface. Now, I’m sure you’d all love another ten-year summary, but - and you’re going to have to excuse the first person here - Bill Frat doesn’t live in the past. We look ahead Dammit. So, because Hollywood is wonderfully predictable with their scheduling, we decided to pick the best movies of the next decade. Here are the top eight flicks you will ‘probably’ see from 2010-2020.

Tim Burton's the Nutcracker

Hollywood loves giving timeless stories new blood. Sometimes it fails – Beowulf - sometimes it succeeds - Where the Wild Things Are. Eventually, a studio will think about giving The Nutcracker the blockbuster treatment and hopefully it will fall into Burton’s hands. There’s enough weird, twisted stuff in this story - the rat / wood soldier battle - that it could it definitely register cinematically I’m sure Helena Bonham Carter would do wonders with the Sugar Plum Fairy and that the Rat King would be terrifying.

The Movie that Inevitably Pairs Johnny Depp with Robert Downey Jr.

Eventually, Hollywood will find a way to get these two on the screen together. They’re the only actors that have found a way to make quirkiness universally appealing. They also inject mindless blockbusters with a hint of critical credibility (which goes a long way). I don’t know what will unite these two, I just know that whatever it is, it will probably be one the best movies of the next ten years.

The Avengers (This is Real)

In the summer of 2012, a movie about the super group, The Avengers, is scheduled to drop. This movie will feature a collection of comic book heroes, including Iron Man (Downey Jr.) the Hulk (Edward Norton), Captain America (To Be Determined), Thor (a New Guy Named Chris Hemsworth), and a handful of others. Basically, all of these franchises have been green-lit with the intention of uniting all of the actors somewhere down the road in an Avengers movie. This is unprecedented. And should result in a Decade’s Best. 

The Railroad

Every decade will produce a couple of Oscar winners that are impossible to find fault in; every scene, moment, and line is just spot on. They’re difficult to really ‘love,’ but no one with a pulse can dislike it – think Saving Private Ryan or Million Dollar Baby. The movie of the 10s that will fit into this category will be the historical epic on Frederick Douglas and the Underground Railroad. Denzel Washington will be Denzel and no one will say a thing. It’ll be above average from start to finish. 

The Reality Star

The best biops examine a person or group of people that the audience has a misconceived perception of.  The Wrestler functioned because Mickey Rourke’s character was more relatable and sensitive than anyone thought a fleshy, washed-up punching bag could be. It also helped that the movie exposed the depths of world that is purposefully surface level. So, that’s why the biop of the next decade will focus on a ‘retired’ reality star that is desperately hanging on to his or her fifteen minutes of fame. Think ‘Wes’ from Real World / Road Rules Challenges playing Golden Tee tournaments at local dives for $75. A tight script and a good actor will nail this. I also like the idea of this movie serving as a career resurrection for a struggling star, a la Rourke. My money’s on Van Der Beek killing this. (Not a lot of money, just 5 or 6 bucks).

James Cameron’s Move in 2019

J.C ended the aughts with a bang. Avatar was as impressive as advertised and, in my opinion, better than anticipated. I don’t know how much technology will improve in ten years, but the most ‘visually stunning’ movies of the 90s, The Matrix and Jurassic Park, are average and dated, respectively. So, taking that in consideration, you can guess that in 10 years Transformers will seem clunky and Avatar will just be – effects-wise – just one of many. That’s why the movie that Cameron release in December of 2019, with moving seats, head sets, and full body ruble packs, will be a movie of the decade.

Clint’s Swan Song

Keep in mind that, outside of the Avengers, everything in this piece is fiction. It’s satirical – read:  not to be taken seriously. So, having said that, one of the best movies of the decade will the one released following Eastwood’s death. Here’s where I’m coming from with this: He’s currently banging out, at least, a movie a year. They’re all, for the most part, critically acclaimed. He’s 80 years old. So, if Dirty Harry passes away sometime in the next ten years, there’s a damn good chance that it’ll be before the release of a movie or in the middle of production (which will be finished by a colleague, like what Spielberg did with Stanley Kubrick’s A.I). If this is the case, this flick will be regarded as a top ten film of the 10s. We love posthumous productions and performances (The Joker, This Is It) and this, whatever it is, will be no different. 

Quentin Tarantino’s The Osama Assassination

Tarantino re-wrote history with Inglourious Basterds. Right or wrong, a group of Jewish soldiers murdering Hitler offers a much more ‘cinematic’ ending to WWII than a suicide. If he’s done it once, what’s to stop him from doing it again. That’s why one of the best and most controversial films of the decade will be Tarantino’s epic about American mercenaries that successfully smoke out and assassinate Bin Laden following 9/11. It’ll be violent, funny, and eerily satisfying. (Don’t shoot the messenger, Q.T’s making it).

Hope you enjoyed the list and if any one of these comes out in the next ten years – other than the super hero orgy – just remember where you heard it first. (And just for the record, I’m not rooting for Clint’s death. It’s a prediction. Am hoping for that Depp / Downey Jr. pairing though). 

Now that Avatar and Sherlock Holmes have been released, the 2009 movie season has officially come to an end. Though it’s ok to still revel in December’s bounty – enjoy the two aforementioned blockbusters and Up In the Air - it is time to look ahead to 2010 and, in particular, the flicks due out in the next eight weeks. For theatergoers, the first two months of every year typically offer few highs and many lows. So, as a winter preview, here are the bros and cons for January and February, the movies that will make you either flex or flaccid.

Bros: Michael Cera has a mustache in Youth in Revolt.
Cons: Cera’s painfully awkward shtick works best when he’s alongside a confident, cocky foil. Here, he costars with himself.

Bros: Dwayne Johnson headlines a movie that was originally written for Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Cons: It’s about a hockey player that becomes the tooth fairy.

Bros: Two actors with the potential to be the next big action star, Matthew Goode (Watchmen) and Josh Duhammel (Transformers), each have a new movie coming out.
Cons: They’re the romantic comedies Leap Year and When In Rome.

Bros: District B13, the fantastic French film that featured several Parkour chase scenes, has a sequel due out in February.
Cons: You can already order it On Demand for $6.99. Ouch.

Bros: Leo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese team up again for Shutter Island, a psychological thriller from the author of Mystic River and Gone Baby Gone.
Cons: It’s been delayed twice and several different versions of the trailer have been released. These two things that suggest that the test screens haven’t gone very well

Bros: Benicio Del Toro finally gets a chance to headline a big budget, special effects-riddled tent pole.
Cons: The Wolfman is just the latest submission to the lame Vampire / Werewolf genre.

Bros: Harrison Ford steps out of his comfort zone to star in a movie where he’s not trying to save his family (Extraordinary Measure).
Cons: He’s trying to save Brendan Fraser’s.

Bros: Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan play policemen in Kevin Smith’s Cop Out. The ‘By the Books Officer Forced to Work with the Wacky Up-and-Comer’ formula tends to work - see Starsky and Hutch and 48 Hours.
Cons: The trailer was painfully unfunny and Stifler is the third lead.

Bros: Bradley Cooper, Ashton Kutcher, Jamie Foxx, Jessica Alba, Julia Roberts, and Jessica Biel are all in the same movie.
Cons: Unfortunately, it’s in this year’s He’s Just Not that Into You - Valentine’s Day.

Bros: Denzel wields a machete and is ‘mankind’s only hope’ in The Book Of Eli. Also, he’s rocking some sick shades and a killer beard.
Cons: I just don’t trust the release date. The first week of January is ground zero for crap. I’m pulling for Washington though. 

Bros: Jackie Chan gets back to his slapstick, kung-fu roots with The Spy Next Door, a family-friendly flick about a superspy that must go undercover to protect a family.  
Cons: I’ve already seen The Pacifier.

Bros: Daybreakers proves that vampires will be hot in 2010, too.
Cons: Daybreakers proves that vampires will be hot in 2010, too.

Bros: The end of February brings us Takers, a heist film with Paul Walker.
Cons: Chris Brown and T.I. are also in it. Side Note: this movie was originally called Bone Deep. How furious must Walker have been when he found out that they were changing the name?

Bros: Percy Jackson and the Olympians, due out in over seven weeks, is already advertising heavily and, with a President’s Day release date, may be the money-maker of January and February. (I guess the ‘bro’ here would be that Pierce Brosnan is in it).
Cons: I’ve seen Avatar twice and this trailer ran both times. I still can’t remember a thing about it.

Bros: Travolta and stylized violence is a potent mix (see Face Off, Pulp Fiction, and Broken Arrow) and From Paris With Love looks like it features a handful of slow motion gunfights. (Also, the director’s last two movies were Taken and District B13).
Cons: The whole baldhead, goatee, wisecracking badass thing didn’t really do it for me in Taking of Pelham 123. Why will it work here?

Bros: Mel Gibson is back in Edge of Darkness!
Cons: None. Didn’t you hear? Mel Fucking Gibson is back.

Boston, Mass. – December 23, 2009 -- Bill Frat LLC, the global authority on Keanu Reeves, Die Hard theology, training montages, and everything bro-related within the movie arena, has recently announced that they are dropping Tiger Woods as their official spokesperson. Disappointed with the number and, more importantly, the type of women to surface in the wake of the golf star’s sex scandal, the corporation no longer feels that Woods is the right representative for their advertising.

Believing that, when they signed him three years ago, they were getting a Wilt Chamberlain-esque lothario, the Bill Frat team has been very vocal with their dissatisfaction concerning his resume. The announcement ends days of speculation on whether the company would remain as a sponsor or not.

“Back in 2006, Mr. Woods assured us that, when reports of his sexual conquests would eventually leak, we would be impressed with and pleased by his accomplishments,” says Frat chairman Bill Flanagan. “For what he guaranteed, not only is 12 an insult – I mean, Jon Gosselin has doubled that number – but we are embarrassed and appalled by his taste. That’s not we’re about.”

Industry insiders report that the Frat brand was approached by Woods a number of years ago and were sold on the idea that, one day, he would be at the head of the “sex scandal to end all sex scandals.” The Frat Board, ever the patient bunch, were thrilled with the concept of a ‘slow-burn’ partnership and eagerly awaited the time the news would break.

Now, with every picture revealing a 6 or lower – that’s a C or worse for those that operate on the female grading system vs. the numerical one - and reports that one of the mistress’s works at a waffle house, it’s become blatantly obvious that Woods has failed to deliver on his promise. Early surveys indicate that the average B. Frat customer makes a ‘Tiger is a desperate, self conscious loser’ comment at least twice a day; not exactly the image the proud Frat enterprise wants to be affiliated with.   

“To market yourself as a wholesome family man while you’re actually a horn dog is one thing,” says former Bill Frat pitchman Burt Reynolds.” “But to sell yourself as a modern day Don Juan, when you’re just slightly better than Steve Phillips is borderline Un-American. He’s sh*t on everything this company – this lifestyle – stands for.”

With the separation complete, the only question that remains is who will follow Woods as Bill Frat’s next spokesperson. This question, rumor has it, has ignited a mini firestorm in the industry, with everyone from A-lister to John Stamos making a bid at the coveted honor.

“Due to legal reasons, we cannot comment on the selection process,” adds Flanagan. “But you can bet your bottom dollar that we’ll be ignoring the golfers. Except for John Daly; he’s in the running.”

When details of the Bill Frat / Woods partnership emerged this week, the golfer's reputation finally, and painfully, hit rock bottom. The U.S. has, time and again, forgiven the adulterer. But whether they will forgive a man that lied about being a bro is certainly asking a lot. 

Frat Thought - noun. Definition: A nonsensical one liner that helps make sense of the nonsensical. In this case, the movies of 2009...

Only three movies this year had the performer’s name in the title: Tyler Perry’s two flicks and Michael Jackson’s This Is It. Coincidence?

Invictus saved an otherwise awful year for the sports genre. The only other popular sports flick in ’09 was The Blind Side.

Speaking of the Blind Side, does anyone really care that Sandra Bullock is having a good year? If anything, it makes me wish Keanu Reeves got more work in ’09.

If you replace the last word in a movie title with ‘butthole,’ the five best would be: Harry Potter and The Half Blood Butthole, Cloudy with a Chance of Butthole, He’s Just Not that Into Butthole, Ninja Butthole, and My Sister’s Butthole.

Out of ‘09s top ten moneymakers, only one movie was not animated, a sequel, or part of a franchise. That movie was The Hangover (#4). If recycled-content continues to dominate original material, why invest in new stories?

G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra was the funniest movie I saw in the theatres this year. Followed closley by 2012.

It’s only appropriate that the man who singled-handedly popularized the Bromance, Judd Apatow, helped kill the genre. I would have felt bad for him if someone else did Funny People.

If you invested in Sasha Baron Cohen, you had a bad year.

Guess Hollywood needs to re-think January. Typically just a dumping ground for delayed titles, the first month of the year saw both Paul Blart (146 million) and Taken (145 million) emerge as sleeper blockbusters. (And judging by a few of the more expensive-looking movies being released next month – see The Book of Eli – it appears that someone was paying attention).

What percentage of Public Enemies total can be attributed to its trailer? Because it wasn’t due to word of mouth.

The Alvin and the Chipmunks Award for the movie that, due to its surpise success, will inevitably get a rushed sequel that nobody asks for goes to: G Force. Paranormal Activity finishes in a close second.

Shia Labeouf starred in one movie this year and it made more money than any other. The Beef always delivers.

Just because Twlight had the biggest opening weekend of ’09 doesn’t mean that the vampire genre is completely can’t-miss. The Vampire’s Assistant, budgeted at $40 million, proved to be one of the biggest bombs of the year. Yes, John C. Reilly’s appeal may not match Robert Pattinson’s, but a loss for this genre is a win for the rest of us.

In a year full of comebacks that fell flat – welcome back Michael Moore, Stepfathers, and the chick from My Big Fat Greek Wedding – none was quieter than Mike Judge’s. Extract, really? You did Office Space, Mike.

2009 was a terrible year for portly comedians. Will Ferrell’s Land of the Lost was such a disaster that it cost a couple of executives over at Universal their jobs. Seth Rogan, with Funny People and Observe and Report, failed to find an audience. Twice. And Jack Black was in Year One. Remember that?

Is the torture porn genre officially dead? The Final Destination, Friday the 13th, and Saw all disappointed. Or, to put it terms they’d understand, is the torture porn genre officially limbless with its eyeballs stitched into its mouth?

Underworld decided to challenge Resident Evil for the most unlikely trilogy of the decade.

Say the average ticket price is $11 and Knowing made $80 million. That means that nearly 7.2 million people all made the exact same awful decision. Within the span of two months. Chew on that Malcolm Gladwell. 

Bruce Willis needs a good 2010.
 
Did you know that there was a Pink Panther 2?

I like it when movies like Planet 51 fails. We need a computer-generated kid flick to bomb every now and then so that the makers don’t get lazy. With Up, Monsters Vs. Aliens, Ice Age, and Meatballs, they make it look too easy.

Vince Vaughn needs to take a Funny Guy Retreat.

And the winner of the ‘Holy shit, That Did That Well Award’ is The Ugly Truth at $89 million. Hotel for Dogs came in second at $73 million.

In a tight race that no one was paying attention to, The Unborn beat out The Undead for the right to call themselves the ‘less terrible horror movie to begin with ‘un’ in ’09.

Thanks to Ninja Assassins to proving to Hollywood that Korean pop stars cannot, in fact, carry an action movie. You could have given me the $40 million to tell you that.

Did anyone ever wonder how much cooler Miley Cyrus was than the Jonas Brothers. You did? Well the answer is 4. She is 4 times cooler. (Hannah Montana the Movie: $80 million vs. The Jonas Brother 3D Experience: 20 million).

Brendan Fraser continues his roller coaster career with Inkheart, a fantasy bomb that, once again, came on the heels of a mini comeback. Can’t wait for Extraordinary Measures – due out in January – to do really well.

With the Invention of Lying and Live Hard, Sell Hard, Ricky Gervais and Jeremy Piven battled it out this year for the title of the ‘Most Talented Funny Person with Surprisingly No Appeal.’

I wish that, back in February when I heard that Hilary Swank was going to be in an Amelia Earhart biography, I didn’t put $1,000 on her to win an Oscar.

After The Marine and 12 Rounds, John Cena may not get a third movie. But please, if there’s a God, give us one.

Hey Diablo Cody, I know you like pop culture and everything, but you should really stop doing your ‘Eddie Murphy’s Career’ impersonation.

And speaking of Eddie Murphy, the streak of box office disasters is alive! Imagine That, budgeted at $55 million, made 16. Why wouldn’t you bankroll his next movie? He’s due, right?

Well, that’s it for 2009. But don’t worry everyone, 2010 is right around the corner. And what does that mean. Well, it means this: http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/ironman/

In reference to the Avatar video game, James Cameron said that he just wanted to “make something that didn’t suck.” In fact, he went so far as to say that he didn’t want “anything associated with Avatar to suck.” This statement is exactly why Cameron and his team hired the Bill Frat crew to handle all of the promotional tie-ins with the movie. From limited edition subs to star studded events, here are the seven marketing campaigns we’ll be rolling out in the next couple of weeks in anticipation of the blockbuster…

The Avatar Bro-etry Slam Series:

Slam poetry, as defined by the internet, is a “postmodern form of performance poetry that occurs within a competitive event, called a "slam." The Bro-etry Slam Series is a nationwide tour featuring a few bros that preach the spoken word of Avatar. Here’s an example of what you might hear at the event: “My mind. Like the tainted fantasies of an adolescent boy. Blown. My heart. Like a little girl down the street. Skipped. My face. Like lave. Melted.” Pretty raw, right?

The Duke vs. UNC Basketball Game:

We decided to sponsor college basketball’s biggest rivalry and rename it. For this game, it will be know as the James Cameron Crazies vs. the Ava-Tar Heels. Every North Carolina player will be painted royal blue and the Duke squad will be forced to wear fake tails. Also, the entire crowd, in honor of Cameron, will behave arrogantly, which, as it’s in Duke, shouldn’t be hard to pull off.

Pandora.com Cameron Marathon:

Pandora.com, for 72 hours, will only play music from James Cameron movies. The reason we’re doing this, outside of the fact that Pandora is the name of the film’s other-world setting, is so that we can nail down the ever-elusive Celine Dion demographic. Our research indicates that 45-55 year-old lonely women are the sole audience not totally pumped to see this opening weekend. If we can get them, we have everyone.

The Win a Life Contest:

Starting next week, we’ll be sponsoring a sweepstakes for a free life. To enter, you just need to have seen the Avatar trailer over 20 times. The grand prize features a girlfriend, two bar buddies, a stainless shirt, pants without an elastic waistband, the Wii, a gym membership, and a few play lists from the 90s. The winner will be announced in March. (We don’t want to give anyone a life before Avatar has finished its theatrical run).

3-D Eyeballs:

The only annoying thing about Avatar is that we’ll have to watch it with bulky glasses on. That’s why we’ll be holding free clinics across the country where we’ll be surgically replacing people’s boring, old fashioned eyeballs with mechanical 3D ones. Sure, things are going to be blurry for 99% of their lifetime, but think how fucking sweet Avatar is going to be with 3D eyeballs!

Ava-Bars:

For the next three weeks, we will be converting every Applebees into an Ava-Bar, a mind-blowingly sweet neighborhood hangout. It’ll be like experiencing Dave and Busters on mushrooms. All games, especially skee-ball, will be played in 3-D. The drinks are overpriced but the basketballs for that awesome hoops arcade game will be royal blue. That’s sick. 

The A.V.A.T.A.R Sub:

We’re teaming up with Subway to release the A.V.A.T.A.R sub, “a very awesome totally astonishing roll.” This sandwich will be defined by its grandeur. It will be the most expensive sub on the menu, will look unbelievably tasty, and will be so overstuffed with meat that you won’t know how feel about it. We’re hoping to convince your stomach that something this pricey and big has to be good. Just like the movie.

Right now, the script for 47 Ronin, an epic period film about a band of Samurai in 18^th century Japan, is being rewritten so that Keanu Reeves can star in it. All the story really needs is a ‘his dad was a tourist’ line here or a ‘we found him outside the American embassy’ revelation there and, wallah, his ethnicity is no longer an issue. It’s so easy, studios should have been looking for ways to write Keanu Reeves into movies decades ago. The following are a few famous monologues, tweaked slightly to suit Mr. Reeves’ talents as a performer…  

A FEW GOOD MEN:

Col. Jessep: You want answers, bra?

Kaffee: I think I'm entitled.

Col. Jessep: Bra, you want answers?

Kaffee: I want the truth!

Col. Jessep: You can’t handle the truth!
[pauses] Bra, we surf in a world that has waves, and those waves have to be guarded by bruising beach locals with nasty tats. Whose gonna do it? You? You, going to police those tasty nars? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly imagine. You weep for a broken board, and you curse the sandy bros. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing the code of the ocean. That broken board and face full of grain, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while un-bodacious and totally not tubular to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth, bra, because deep down, in places you don't talk about at, like In and Out Burger, you want me on that wave, you need me on that wave. We use words like cowabunga, gnarly, sweet. We use these words as the backboner of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. Not cool. I have neither the time nor the attention span to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanky of the very awesomeness that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I deliver it. I would rather you just said ‘bra, thank you,’ gave me some knucks, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a boogie board, and hit the water. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Kaffee: Did you order your goons to knock me off my board?

Col. Jessep: I did the job I...

Kaffee: Did you order your goons to knock me off my board!?

Col. Jessep: You’re Goddamned right I did, bra!

FIELD OF DREAMS:

Terence Mann: Ray, people will come. They'll come to Cali for reasons they can't even fathom. They’ll think they’re stoned. They'll turn up your sandy walkway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. Like they’re mother fuck’n lit like a lamp. They'll arrive at your door as blitzed as college kids, longing for a poke. “Of course, we won't mind if you toke a bit,” you'll say. “It's only $20 per puff.” They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and a sweet high they lack. And they'll skip out to the bongos; sit shirtless on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved Oreos somewhere along the dunes, where they munched on Oreos when they were little toasties and listened to Van Halan backwards. And they'll play Mario Kart for hours and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in acid. The memories will be so colorful and loud that they'll have to brush the goofy grins from their faces. People will blaze Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been weed. America has rolled it up for generations. It has been spun into a joint, smoked, and spun again. But weed has marked the time. This pipe, this eighth: it's a part of our hazy, hazy past, Ray. It reminds us of all that good, sweet, delicious dope. Oh... people will blaze Ray. People will most definitely blaze.

DIRTY HARRY

Harry Callahan: Now, I think I know what you're thinking. "Did he, like, fire six shots, or only five?" Well, to be honest with you, I have no fucking idea. I’d blame it on the excitement, but I was so hungry for a meatball sub, I kind of lost track myself. And I can’t count past four when my fingers are wrapped around this gun. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful, boss, keen, nifty, swell handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself two questions: One, what is the Matrix? Two, do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? And did you get the second Matrix? I was in it and I had no idea what the hell was going on. Well, did ya?

TAXI DRIVER:

Travis Bickle: [Travis is trying out his new Wii remote in front of a blank TV] Huh? Huh? [Swings] Faster than you. That’d be a home run. Or a double, at least. Fucking son of a... that’s a foul ball! Shitheel. [Brings the controller down]. I'm just standing here; you make the pitch. You make the pitch. It's your pitch...[Swings]. Home run you fuck.

[Brings the controller down, sees his reflection in the TV]. You squint’n and furrowing your brow at me? You squint’n and furrowing your brow at to me? You squint’n at me? Then who the hell else are you squint’n and furrowing... you squint’n at me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're looking at so vapidly? Oh yeah? OK.

JERRY MAGUIRE:

‘Sup? ‘Sup. I'm lookin' for my bra. Hold up. Okay...okay...okay. If this is where it has to go down, then this is where it has to go down, all right. I'm not going to let you just stop broing. How about that, huh? I used to be nasty at this. You know, crushing a living room full of non-bros. They'd send me in there, and I'd bro it alone. And I’d have you all dude’n it in a heart beat. Now I just...(Pause). But tonight, our little softball team in the beer league, our team just won a very big game -- a very, very big game. But it wasn't nearly as bro as it should have been, wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as bra-some, because I couldn't bro-hug it out with you afterwards.  I couldn't chest bump you or secret hand shake it with you.  I miss my -- I miss my bro. We live in a square world man, a square, lame world, and we compete in a recreational sport full of the toughest bras. I dig ya buddy. You – bro-plete me. And I just had --

Dorothy (Don):  Shut up. Just shut the fuck up. You had me at ‘sup. You had me at ‘sup.

BRAVE HEART:

William Wallace: El duderinos of Scotland! I am Bill Wallace.

Soldier 1: Bill Wallace is a big bro, nearly seven feet tall!

William Wallace: Yea, I've heard that ish through the grapevine. Takes down losers by the benjamins. And if he were here, he'd give the English noogies with his knucks and Indian burns with his paws and lightning bolts from his butt.

[Scottish army laughs] I am Bill Wallace! And I see a whole army of my bros, here in defiance of the anti cool. You've come to hang as free bros... and free bros you are. What will you do with that sweetness? Will you bro?

Soldier 2: Bro? Against that? No! We will sip non-alcoholic beverages. And we will live.

William Wallace: Aye, bro and you may die. Sip non-alcoholic beverages and you'll live... at least a tinsy bit. And doing pilates, listening to Coldplay, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell these lame bastards that they may take our bars, footballs, gym memberships, and babes, but they'll never take... OUR BRO-DOM!

To read famous scenes and monologues rewritten for Tom Cruise, check this out: http://billfrat.com/index.php/movies/hollywood/Classic-Scenes-Rewritten-for-Tom-Cruise.html.

The season’s preview: There are some Oscar hopefuls. There is Avatar….

Fantastic Mr. Fox:

I’m rooting for this.

Pixar’s built a medium.

‘Different’ is good.

Ninja Assassins:

Stylized violence

Makes up for lack of story.

Whatever. More blood

Old Dogs:

Travolta, Robin.

Just here for the huge paycheck.

What is this about?

The Road:

Delayed a year plus.

Almost never a good sign.

Book’s great. Can’t be bad.

The Princess and the Frog:

A first for Disney.

This features a black princess.

Took them eighty years.

Me and Orson Wells:

Zac Efron’s appeal

Is tested. Stage drama is

Not an easy sell.

Armored:

Half Tyler Perry.

Half formulaic action.

One Hispanic hit.

Did You Hear About the Morgans?

Did you hear that Hugh

Grant, SJP are in this?

No? Yea, me neither.

Invictus:

It’s taken this long,

To cast Red as Mandela?

Mail him the Oscar.

The Lovely Bones:

Does rape and dead tweens,

Put you in the x-mas spirit?

I’ll pass on this one.

Crazy Heart:

Some are calling this

The year’s Slumdog. Small budget,

Great tale. Lots of buzz.

Avatar:

Can’t wait for this one.

Supposed to “redefine film.”

Went six to midnight.

A Single Man:

Firth plays a gay man

That has just lost his lover.

Broke back to Oscars

Nine:

Don’t love musicals.

But D Day always brings it.

Critics will dig this.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel:

The original

Made three sixty mill worldwide.

Let that one sink in.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus:

Law, Depp, and Farrell,

Fill in for departed Ledger.

Will be eerie, sad. 

It’s Complicated:

Just like a fine wine,

Streep, Baldwin better with age.

And make you sleepy.

Sherlock Holmes:

I’m really jealous

That all of my Jewish friends

Will see this flick first

Braaaaa

 Prepare for the Bro Remakes...

Last week, Variety reported that 20^th Century Fox is developing a 300-like reimagining of the story of Moses. The man that delivered the Jews from enslavement will meet six packs, dark hues, and stylized violence. Genius. For years, Bible stories have been treated with kid gloves, lollipops and rainbows. No wonder why the average kid thinks that the Prodigal Son is a rock band and that the Tower of Babel is a video game. We should’ve been filtering the lord’s tales through the disembowelment of limbs, CGI swordplay, and blatant homoeroticism all along. I say we run with this formula. The following are ten Bible stories that could use the 300-treatment. God uppercut!

Creation:

Why: How could this one not work? It’s by far the most ‘flesh heavy’ of the Bible stories and could use some digitally enhanced bodies to spice it up a bit. A doughy Adam and Eve don’t sell tickets. Also, if modern Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that they can certainly deliver when it comes to CGI talking animals. This would be a dark and sexy serpent. 

Noah’s Ark and the Flood:

Why: Imagine the moment in Twister when the cow gets sucked up into the tornado and then multiply that by 1,000. And then subtract Bill Paxton and you have an idea of how awesome this movie will be. Plus, everyone loves a disaster movie.

David and Goliath:

Why: This one’s easy. It’s a Bible story that hinges on dude on dude battling. Here’s how you execute this one: take fifteen, twenty minutes to set everything up, give us a ten minute training montage, and then finish the movie with an hour-long, graphically violent, slightly gay fight scene. Also, in true 300-fashion, Goliath’s finishing move will be the Bear Hug - a long, sweaty Bear Hug.

The Tower of Babel:

Why: Because the parable doesn’t explore the carnage and mayhem that would have inevitably followed the birth of the language barrier.

The Prodigal Son:

Why: The juiciest parts of this story – the wild son’s experiences in the ‘morally corrupt wasteland’ – are glazed over. We’d get all of that in this one. Also, the slaughtering of the feted calf needs a nice graphic rendering.

Jesus Raises Lazarus from the Dead…

Why: Think the Passion of the Christ meets Zombieland. Instead of having Lazerus come back from the dead to preach the word of God, we could have him come back to feed on the brains of all non-believers.

Cain and Abel…

Why: The 300 template was constructed for brother on brother violence. This is the original ‘bro crime’ and thus deserves nauseating angles and unnecessary slow motion scenes.

Sodom and Gomorrah…

Why: No one remembers this story. Here are several components of the text that are dying to be 300-ified: the depiction of the village’s “grievous sin,” God destroying Sodom and Gomorrah with “fire and brimstone,” and Lot’s wife becoming a “pillar of salt.” 

Samson and Delilah…

Why: Everything about this story – especially its underlying message that all woman are evil (seriously, God said it) – needs to be told through the 300 lens. We can even storyboard the movie for you right now: 1, violent action scene with Samson slaughtering Philistines. 2. Graphic sex with Delilah. 3. Samson bringing the ‘house’ down and killing everyone.

The Good Samaritan…

Why: This parable’s soft. Let’s rename it: The Blood Samaritan. Much better…

Earlier this week, a member of the Bill Frat crew saw a contest on 1000Words.com regarding ‘One Letter Off Movies.’ The rules are simple. You take a movie title, add or remove one letter to it, and create something completely different and amusing. Here are 100 we came up with…

1.       Tit-Panic

2.       8 Milk

3.       The Empire Strokes Back

4.       Binding Nemo

5.       Jurassic Pork

6.       Deer Impact

7.       Japs

8.       Phat Women Want

9.       Forrest Gimp

10.   The Sum of All Bears

11.   A Mime to Kill

12.   Training Lay

13.   The Perfect Stork

14.   Mr. and Mr. Smith

15.   The Devil Wars: Prada

16.   Iran Man

17.   Hole Alone

18.   The Bang Over

19.   The Inca Edibles

20.   Monster Pinc

21.   Boy Story

22.   My Big Fat Greek Bedding

23.   Beverley Hall Cop

24.   Cat Away

25.   You’ve Got Tail

26.   Hand Cock

27.   King Dong

28.   Go Host

29.   Shaving Private Ryan

30.   Kung Pu Panda

31.   Sack to the Future

32.   The Dork Knight

33.   The Bummy Returns

34.   Gone with the Wine

35.   Pearl Barbor

36.   Sappy Feet

37.   Sugarman Returns

38.   Dunces with Wolves

39.   Liam Liam

40.   Planet of the Ales

41.   Bitch

42.   Fining Forrester

43.   Pune

44.   Ic Vage

45.   The Molar Express

46.   There’s Something About Mark

47.   The Pourne Identity

48.   A Beautiful Mint

49.   Quantum of Sor Ace

50.   Wild Hags

51.   The Bro-posal

52.   Fig Daddy

53.   A Bug’s Wife

54.   Pie Another Day

55.   What Lics Beneath

56.   Fart and Furious

57.   Fantastic Sour

58.   Horton Tears a Who!

59.   Scooby-Poo

60.   Sex and the Pity

61.   I Root

62.   Barley and Me

63.   XXO

64.   Animal Mouse

65.   Rust Hour

66.   Poca Hondas

67.   The Blair Bitch Project

68.   Book Who’s Talking

69.   Start Little

70.   Sister Pact

71.   Bad Toys

72.   The Green Mole

73.   God Villa

74.   Dip Hard

75.   The Cock

76.   The De-Farted

77.   Bangles and Demons

78.   Minority Deport

79.   Close Encounters of the Third Kid

80.   The Silence of the Limbs

81.   Pet Smart

82.   Money! I Shrunk the Kids

83.   Cocky

84.   Rooky II

85.   Ricky III

86.   Rock A Four

87.   My Best Friend’s Welding

88.   Pee Movie

89.   The Bird Care

90.   I’s Peed

91.   50 First ‘Bates

92.   Balk the Line

93.   Hood

94.   Blazing Sad Iles

95.   Rotting Hill

96.   The Pillage

97.   Face Oaf

98.   The Lame

99.   The Fast Samurai

100. Freaky Fro Day

To get a different perspective on the vampire / pop culture phenomenon, we sent our rookie reporter to have a sit down with one of their kind. Below is the transcript from their interview. We would’ve had Cliff the Intern write the introduction, but he’s yet to return from his assignment. It’s been two weeks. In hindsight, we probably should have just conducted this via Skype…

Hello, I’m here with Luscious LeRoy, a real life vampire. Thanks for sitting down…

I didn’t say it was all right for you to use my real name.

Sorry, I thought we could, I didn’t…

I’m fucking with you man. Don’t be so uptight. Haven’t you seen Twilight? We’re all a bunch of pussies.

Ok good, let’s dive…

I was being sarcastic you mortal weenie. Watch your tongue or I’ll rip it out. (Pause). Got you again! Jesus Christ, I can smell the nervousness seeping out of your puckered up butt hole. Proceed. Seriously. But don’t piss me off. Just kidding. But seriously. Don’t.

Ok, first question, why are you so popular right now?

I don’t know, why don’t you ask Jesus why he was the focus of so many renaissance-era paintings? I mean, come on man. Don’t question the inspirers, question the inspired. You think Jordan could have stopped the sports reporters from writing and talking about him?

So, you’re not surprised by the fad?

Surprised? If anything, I’m pissed it took this long. Sure we’ve been a part of mainstream media since the 20s, but not nearly to the extent that we’ve deserved. I think Hollywood should be forced to release a Vamp movie twice a month. We should have our own channel. It could play shit like the Vampire Chronicles over and over again. And referring to it as a ‘fad’ is condescending.

Ok, sorry, but are you worried about being over exposed?

Not at all. We’re like the NFL right now. The American public can’t get enough of us. It’s impossible to over saturate an already wet market, Clyde

Cliff. Anyways, are you at all concerned by the recent success of Zombieland and District 9. Could aliens or the undead be the next big thing?

I saw District 9. Didn’t like it. I saw Zombieland. Wasn’t funny. Next question.

What do you like?

I think Pixar’s ok. Meryl Streep’s all right, too. I think wizards are for cowards though, so don’t even ask about Potter. Can we move this along. I’m getting thirsty.

All right. Let’s get to it. So, what has the media gotten wrong recently regarding vamps?

First off, ‘vamps’ is our word, honkie. Watch it. Second off, a lot of the contemporary flicks imply that we enjoy animal or synthetic blood. This is bullshit. Yea, I’m sure you can drink Miller High Life, but you choose to have a beer that doesn’t give you violent diarrhea. Same thing. I’m not going to drink fake, vomit-inducing blood if the good stuff’s readily available and doesn’t cost anything. I’m sure you’d all like us to love the faux shit, but I’d like you to stop polluting the planet with your cars and all ride bikes.

Anything else?

We’re not really moody and brooding. I mean, we sleep all day and hang out at night. We also don’t have any of the insecurities and worries that come with old age. Why the fuck would we brood? That’s for the gothic losers that want to be us but can’t because we won’t have their lame blood. Stop dressing in black and wearing dark eye-liner and maybe we’ll hook up.

Do we get anything right?

We’re as sexy as you make you make us out to be.

Nice. So I’m going to rattle off a few movies and shows, and you tell me how Vampires feel about them. True Blood…

I don’t get it.

The show?

No, Anna Paquin’s appeal. Boo yea. I think True Blood’s for people without the internet or for those that are morally against watching real porn.

Twilight…

Don’t insult me. Count Chocula is closer to the real thing than Robert Pattinson. All this movie got is how sweet our hair tends to be.

Blade…

Are you serious? Snipes is only good at cross-overs and tax evasion. This whole trilogy pissed me off. His character probably killed something like 400 vamps over the course of three movies. Do you know what that would have done to our community? He was committing borderline genocide. But, oooo, “it’s ok because he’s just killing vampires.” You know that’s exactly how the uninvolved Germans explained away the acts of their brethren 60+ years ago?

Dracula…

I hate that fucking lisp you guys give him. Also, cool it with the widows peak. Dracula was blond and had curly hair for Christ sakes. 

Van Helsing…

Imagine how the Russians feel when they watch Rocky IV or Red Dawn.

Underworld…

I’m glad you brought this up. News flash everyone, we get along with werewolves. We share a common goal, to turn as many sweet human dudes and gals into one of us. While we’re here, do you know who we don’t get along with? People that don’t cover their mouths on public transportation. People that can’t figure out the self checkout machines at the super market. People that wear their headphones around their necks with the music on. We kill them. Werewolves? The only arguments we get in are over leftovers.

From Dusk Till Dawn…

Another one that embraces a terrible misconception. Say I’m about to put a dent in your neck and you sprinkle holy water on me. I’m going to melt or scamper away? You might as well try spitting. Holy water does shit. Vampires tend to have indigestion, but other than that, garlic’s fairly useless, too. Stick with a stake through the heart. Everything else is horseshit. Actually, bring the garlic. I’ll sprinkle it on your corpse. Idiot. Clooney’s all right in it though.

Dracula 2000…

Lazy slasher flick, but worth acknowledging because I imagine Gerard Butler would want this one back. I feel bad for him. Yep, he’s Dracula. Hope the check covered your fifth and sixth steroid cycle. Loser.

I Am Legend…

Oh, so every fictional movie monster that doesn’t out during the day must be a vampire? If it smells like shit, right? These weren’t vampire. More like I Am Terrible.

30 Days of Night…

These were vampires. I mean, they weren’t sexy or civilized. But you get what we’re capable of with this one. Also, Josh Hartnett made a less believable vampire killer than Hugh Jackman. And Jackman has a Tony award.

Interview with a Vampire…

Couple things. Kirsten Dunst, despite actually being a vampire, delivers one of the worse vamp performances of all time. What a dud. Second, and not that there’s anything wrong with this – we’re a forward thinking bunch and all - but there is way too much homoeroticism in this movie. I mean, who is Brad Pitt going to French kiss first, Cruise or Antonio Banderas? And it is funny that you finish with this movie. Remember what happen to Christian Slater at the end, once he wraps up the interview?

I’ve never seen it…

Good….

At the end of November, Warner Brothers will release Ninja Assassins, a highly stylized action flick from the director of V for Vendetta. It is about ninjas that are also assassins. Here are ten titles and synopsises that the Bill Frat Crew thought could possibly sound cooler than the aforementioned pic.

Cowboy Pimps: The world’s oldest profession gets an old west makeover when a handful of cowboys start running the New York stables.

Die Hardest: John Mclean goes to Iraq. Then he goes to North Korea. Then he goes back in time to Germany. Then he time travels and heads to Canada. We’re watching you Canada.

Space Samurai: Samurai warrior battle aliens.

Bootlegging Bros: In 2015, the U.S. enters a new age of prohibition. A handful of courageous, no-sleeve-wearing bros start running a speakeasy and transporting beer from campus to campus. Burt Reynolds stars as their spiritual leader that offers sage-like advice.

Pirate Rockers: Not only do they board ships and pillage, they play kick ass 

Rock and Roll! This is perfect, because they’re already wearing eye make-up and bandannas.

Gorilla Warfare: An animated flick, this one follows two rival Gorilla packs that war over territory. Imagine the Polar Bear fight from The Golden Compass, but for two hours.

Apocalyptic Apaches: God sends a pack of angelic Apaches to cleanse the Earth of all sinners. Blankets covered in smallpox aren’t stopping these guys. Sorry founder of Amherst.

Bank Robbins: Another animated submission, this time we’re following birds that rob banks.

Busey: A day (or week, or month, or year – however long we need) in the life of Gary Busy. This is shot in 3D.

Halo: I know a movie adaptation of Halo is “in the works,” but I want to see casting and I want to see production stills. I won’t believe it until millions and millions of dollars I sunk into this project. I also want to wear a headset while watching it and trash talk 12 year old Asian kids.

A couple days ago, the Los Angeles Times reported that the production company that bought the rights to the Terminator series in 2007 has filed for bankruptcy and is currently shopping the lucrative franchise. Having purchased it for 25 million nearly 2 and a half years ago, Halcyon Holdings is hoping that a sale of the rights will help “make the company solvent again.”  The news of this development suggests that a fifth installment, especially one directed by McG and featuring Christian Bale, is very unlikely. Obviously Salvation didn’t work out the way all parties involved had planned. But that doesn’t mean that Terminator is a dead franchise. Though funds are currently a little tight, here’s how Bill Frat Studios would revive Cameron’s classic if we ended up with the rights…

We would not run away from Salvation:

It’s part of the cannon. There’s no reason to pretend like this movie never existed. Thankfully, a ton didn’t actually “happen” in this chapter. You can still proceed with the “humans vs. machines” storyline without feeling like you need to “rewrite” a lot from Salvation or Rise of the Machines. The direction of the franchise was fine – the John Connor lead–resistance makes for an interesting couple of action movies. It was the tone and execution of the fourth that was way off. So, with Terminator 5, we’d pick up right where we left off – with Connors and Reece leading the struggle.

We’d Honor the Tone of the Original:

Sometimes, a total makeover is a good thing. No one’s blaming Christopher Nolan for making a more ‘serious’ Batman movie than the George Clooney one. But with Terminator, darker wasn’t better. Obviously we wouldn’t make a carbon copy of the original two, but there’s no reason why we can’t attempt to duplicate their ‘feel.’ There was always a light, almost kitschy component to Terminator; the cheesy lines, the humor, the heart – these are all part of the franchise’s DNA. So we’d make sure that all these elements were present in the fifth. Humor is not only a good thing, it’s necessary. Salvation was way too serious.

Villain:

Terminator is a series built on the bad guy, Arnold in the first, T1000 in the second. It didn’t make any sense for the fourth to not have a discernable villain; they stripped the franchise of its bread and butter. At least Rise of the Machines tried with the hot female terminator; she was terrible, but she was still bad. If we bought the rights, you can be damn sure we’re green-lighting a script with a brutal bad machine at the core. It’s not a Terminator movie without one.

Holy Shit Special Effects:

Now this is easier said than done. I don’t know the first thing about special effects - how they’re made, how they’re created, or how they’re executed. But what I do know is that if we’re releasing Terminator 5, you can bet your ass that this movie will have, at least, the best effects of the summer. It’s an unfair precedent Cameron set, but genre-defining action is as much a part of the franchise as is its content and characters. Not to keep picking on Salvation, but everything in that pic, effects-wise, had been seen before. That’s no way to make a Terminator. Again, I don’t what we’d do, but the new chapter would have, at least, one ‘holy shit’ sequence.

We’d Start with One Story to Tell:

In the Terminator lexicon, there’s always a bigger picture. Even the first movie was building to an event that could be explored with a fifth, sixth, or seventh installment. But we wouldn’t get ahead of ourselves. We wouldn’t see the 5^th as part 1 of 2, or 1 of 3 - which is what Salvation was. We’d start with a killer story, wrap it up, and go on to the next one. All with that “big picture” – the human’s inevitable victory over the machines - in mind.

Strong Female:

Why not? Amongst a number of other things, the female protagonist made this franchise unique. The same can be said for the Aliens series. I know the focus is on John Connors, but having a strong, important female character as the second or third lead would be a good thing. Just good luck finding an actress in today’s Hollywood with the butch appeal and biceps of Linda Hamilton. 

Now, I know what you’re saying. “Awesome! These points make total sense, when are you guys buying the rights?” Unfortunately, it just doesn’t look like we’ll be able to raise the 25 – 30 million needed to purchase the Terminator license. But here’s hoping that the team that ends up with this beloved franchise takes into consideration a few of these suggestions.  At least the villain one; just give us a bad guy.