On the 29^th of January, a legend returns to the big screen. Though his hiatus has been a little longer than three days, Mel’s cinematic rise from the dead is nothing short of biblical. In honor of Gibson’s new movie, Edge of Darkness, we’ve put together the first ever ‘All Mel Newsletter.’ If you can contain yourself, we suggest you read this on the Sabbath.

The Five Best Apps for Your Mel Phone

1: Highway to Mel:

App. finds the bar and church closest to your location. Also, it lists all liquor stores in your area that are open on Sundays.

2: Buy or Mel:

App. gives you financial advice based on Mel’s preferences. Who needs accountants?

3: Ring the Mel:

App. turns your phone into a bell, only when you swing it - instead of chiming – the phone makes crazy grunt noises and cries ‘freedom.’

4: At One Mel Swoop:

Type a problem or scenario into this app., and it tells you exactly how Mel would solve or tackle it. It’s ideal for those that struggle to make impulsive, foolhardy decisions.

5: Give Me Back My Phone!

When this app. is activated, your cell will scream ‘Give Me Back My Phone’ anytime it is in someone else’s hands. It is the perfect security upgrade.

Are You Mel’n?

10 Ways to Tell If You Are Mel’n

10. You take offense when people scoff at Mel’s hair in the original Lethal Weapon.

9. You correct people when they call it Passion of the Christ and not The Passion of the Christ. (Same goes for Apocalypto. It’s Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto).

8. You defend What Women Want.

7. You hate Mohawks.

6. You party on Sunday.

5. You feel inclined to tell people to ‘give me back my son!’

4. You hang out with a husky voiced black guy. All the time.

3. You reference The Patriot when arguing why America kicks ass.

2. You can’t control your excitement for Edge of Darkness.

1. You watch Braveheart with your shirt off.

The Book of Mel:

Two Psalms from The Gibson Bible

PSALM 13 

When your back is against the wall,

And you have nowhere to go.

I’m too old for this shit.

When all is lost

And you’ve given up.

I’m too old for this shit.

If you believe,

When there’s nothing else.

You’re not too old for this shit.

PSALM 72 

When you feel tortured,

Think…

At least I’m not Mel from Payback,

Fingers smashed by a sledgehammer.

Or Mel from Lethal Weapon,

Hung up and electrocuted by a weird ninja.

Or Mel from Conspiracy Theory,

Water boarded and impaled by a wheelchair.

Or Mel from Braveheart,

Drawn and quartered.

Or Mel from Maverick

Tied to the noose in the middle of the dessert

Or Mel from Road Warrior

Blown up and semi-conscious.

When you feel tortured,

Think…

At least I’m not Mel.

Haiku Reviews of Mel Classics

Lethal Weapon:

With the world’s best flow,

And a “bad, bad attitude,”

Riggs is Mel’s best work.

Braveheart:

When Braveheart debuted,

The Academy just knew…

“No need for a vote.”

The Road Warrior:

Here’s the synopsis…

Opening scene. Chase sequence.

That’s pretty much it.

We Were Soldiers:

One word describes this.

Underappreciated.

Very good war flick.

Ransom:

Man wants his boy back.

Gets smooth-talked by detective.

Nonsense. Mel’s the law.

Signs:

If aliens came.

I’d expect Mel to save us.

Then he’d rise again.

The Cocktail Corner:

The Mel

3 oz. Aussie Wine

2 oz. Dark Rum

Ground Cinnamon

A splash of Calf’s Blood

Finish with Holy Water

Garnish with strips from Creed’s album cover

Apocalypto:

1/2 oz Captain Morgan

1/2 oz Melon Liqueur

2 Dashes Tabasco Sauce

The Scalp of a Non-Believer

Serve Over Inca Gold Cubes

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