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The Bill Frat Newsletter: It's Back

Bill Frat

Thursday, 03 December 2009

If ol’ Tommy Haynes Bayly was right, and absence makes the heart grow fonder, than you bros are going to LOVE this newsletter. I apologize that it's been so long, I have no one to blame but myself (and Ninja Assassins, FlashForward, fantasy football, Netflix, FX’s frequent airing of Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift, the Avatar trailer, Shakira music videos on YouTube, and Katrina).

On the Twelfth Day of a TNT Movie Marathon:

On the twelfth day of a TNT movie marathon,

My TiVo sent to me ...

Twelve Predators hunting,

Eleven Snipers sniping
Ten Lords a-ringing,

Nine knights a-lancing,

Eight McClane’s a-killing,

Seven Vin’s a-racing,

Six Crowe’s a-slaying,

Five Gibson flicks,

Four Colin Firths,

Three Sean Penns,

Two Home Alones,

And a Bus going over 50!

Movies of a Certain Age:

With the new show Men of a Certain Age, starring Ray Romano, and the recently released flick, Old Dogs, it seems that middle aged, divorced white males may be the new ‘vampires.’ Here are ten new projects that fit into this genre…

10: Spinning Out of Control: Like the Breakfast Club, but set in an all-guy spinning class.

9: The Credit Score: A group of buddies, with good credit, attempt to rob an Insurance Agency.

8: The Sauna Sessions: A bunch of guys hang out in a Sauna for extended periods.

7: Midlife Vice: A group of forty-something detectives go undercover in Vero Beach.

6: Middling Managers: This sitcom follows a bunch of tolerable coworkers.

5: Power Lunch: Series tracks several friends that fight crime during their lunch breaks.

4: Lake Flacid: A drama about a retired hockey coach looking for romance in Upstate New York.

3: Colt Forties: A couple of forty something cowboys re-enter the world of competitive bull riding.

2: The Softball Diaries: A rec-league softball player’s path to glory takes a turn for the worse when he rolls his ankle playing basketball with his nephew.

1: 36 Again: A fifty year old goes back in time. To his mid thirties. WOAHHHH.

Things Overheard on the Set of The Fighter, the Mickey Ward Biography Starring Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale…

What do you do for your delts?
Mel was spot on.
Why isn’t there a lighting director on set?
Let’s try that one again, only less serious.
I will fucking kill you if that’s not low fat.
I know everyone’s kind of scarred of you, but Newsies was gay.
For the last fucking time, it’s Christian.
I still don’t believe you’re British.
I’m going to rip your jugular out if you mess with my blocking one more time Marcus.
It’s funny if you beat the nerd up after the joke.
I know we’re rolling, this is me in character.
Yea, well, where’s your HBO show about your buddies?
I’m not going to let you spot me if you keep telling me that I’m lifting incorrectly.
Chris, I usually slug people that drink skim milk.

The Lame-ictionary: Terms to Help Explain the Twilight Phenomenon

Twi-Sexual: Refers to a straight male that enjoys the series.

Twi-Polar: People that are totally normal and cool except for their Twilight fandom. Your opinion of them can change at the drop of a hat.

Twi-ceps: Stringy, barely-defined arms that are typically hugged by smedium t shirt sleeves. Also see: Hipster Limbs.

Twi-carbonate: The chemical compound that many scientists believe is responsible for bad taste.

Shang-twi: Describes Twilight fans of Chinese descent. Not to be confused with Twi-land.

Twinoculars: A special kind of goggles that allow men to target female Twilight fans at a bar. Allows unsuspecting males to steer clear and avoid a future full of creepy text messages and Wall posts.

Twiology: The study of Twilight fans. Also see: ‘Weird Science.’

Twiracial: Anyone that’s not a white female under the age of 18 that reads Twilight. That makes you a minority.

Twi-Fidelity: Anytime John Cusak is confused for a vampire.

Twi Space: A social media network where no one is judged by their number of friends.

Haiku Reviews:

Men Who Stare At Goats:

The Cohen Brothers

Only make these kind of flicks.

More ‘wacky’ is good.

Fantastic Mr. Fox:

I really liked it.

Felt pretentious watching it.