|
According to the Hollywood Reporter, MTV is “reinventing” Teen Wolf. The new version will “draw from the horror genre to explore werewolf mythology” and will enhance the original’s romantic subplot. The remake will also be more of a “dramatic thriller” and is described as having an “American Werewolf in Paris feel.” In other words, the story is being stripped of all of its beloved elements and is being sculpted into a darker Twilight. Nice. Here are ten other classics MTV is planning to bastardize, I mean “reinvent.”
1. Beauty and the Beast: Belle is the beautiful cheerleader. Gaston is the captain of the football team. Beast is a Goth, cursed to forever paint his nails, dress in black, and bitch. Mrs. Potts and Cogsworths are replaced by a studded belt and eyeliner. They don’t dance so much as just sit around and mope.
2. Groundhog Day: Phil, a freshman in high school, experiences picture day. Over and over and over again. Not only does he keep waking up with bad hair, but the annoying school bully is dishing out knuckle sandwiches and Rita, his crush, doesn’t even know he exists?
3. Godfather: Re-imagined as a romantic comedy, this version focuses on Michael’s hilarious attempts to run the family business and his wild and zany brothers and sister.
4. E.T. the Extra Terrestrial: Dark and sexy, this take follows Elliot, a brooding bad boy, that discovers a beautiful, quiet, BMX-riding babe alien. All she wants to do is tweet home.
5. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: Friendship and bank robbing come secondary here, as this version extends Butch and Etta’s awkward bike riding scene into a full length feature. Fall Out Boy covers “Rain Drops Keep Fall On My Head.” The movie still ends in a freeze frame, but this time it’s of the two lovers walking off into the sunset.
6. Bull Durham: A somber drama, the new one tracks the tumultuous relationship between freshman fireballer Nuke and senior stalwart Crash. The season’s success hinges on their ability to co-exist, a friendship that is tested when both players fall for recent high school graduate, Annie. No jokes in this one. Just a lot of forelonging.
7. The Usual Suspects: A handful of detention regulars get caught up in a vandalism plot that’s being orchestrated by a mysterious and infamous high school trouble-maker. The movie is narrated by a goody-two-shoes math tutor that somehow becomes involved with the prank. He relates the story to the principle.
8. 12 Angry Men: The courtroom classic goes to college. In this version, 12 members of a university’s Judicial Board deliberate on the fate of a Frat that broke the rules. Some are bros. Some aren’t. They’re all angry. Angry drunk.
9. Spartacus: It’s pledge season and all of the sorority-wanna-bes are being put through awful, humiliating tests. Everyone falls in line until one brave, out-spoken frosh decides to fight back. Her rebellious nature inspires the rest of the rushes.
10. Saving Private Ryan: All but one member of Troop 318 has fallen sick due to rotten Forget-Me-Nots. A group of select Girl Scouts are dispatched to find Brownie Amy Ryan before she digs into a bad box or, worse, delivers it to a customer. Good-for-nothing Boy Scouts are hot on their trail, desperately trying to foil their plans.
 |
