|
Bill Frat
|
|
Wednesday, 27 January 2010 |
|
On the 29th of January, a legend returns to the big screen. Though his hiatus has been a little longer than three days, Mel’s cinematic rise from the dead is nothing short of biblical. In honor of Gibson’s new movie, Edge of Darkness, we’ve put together the first ever ‘All Mel Newsletter.’ If you can contain yourself, we suggest you read this on the Sabbath. The Five Best Apps for Your Mel Phone 1: Highway to Mel: App. finds the bar and church closest to your location. Also, it lists all liquor stores in your area that are open on Sundays. 2: Buy or Mel: App. gives you financial advice based on Mel’s preferences. Who needs accountants? 3: Ring the Mel: App. turns your phone into a bell, only when you swing it - instead of chiming – the phone makes crazy grunt noises and cries ‘freedom.’ 4: At One Mel Swoop: Type a problem or scenario into this app., and it tells you exactly how Mel would solve or tackle it. It’s ideal for those that struggle to make impulsive, foolhardy decisions. 5: Give Me Back My Phone! When this app. is activated, your cell will scream ‘Give Me Back My Phone’ anytime it is in someone else’s hands. It is the perfect security upgrade. Are You Mel’n? 10 Ways to Tell If You Are Mel’n 10. You take offense when people scoff at Mel’s hair in the original Lethal Weapon. 9. You correct people when they call it Passion of the Christ and not The Passion of the Christ. (Same goes for Apocalypto. It’s Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto). 8. You defend What Women Want. 7. You hate Mohawks. 6. You party on Sunday. 5. You feel inclined to tell people to ‘give me back my son!’ 4. You hang out with a husky voiced black guy. All the time. 3. You reference The Patriot when arguing why America kicks ass. 2. You can’t control your excitement for Edge of Darkness. 1. You watch Braveheart with your shirt off. The Book of Mel: Two Psalms from The Gibson Bible PSALM 13 When your back is against the wall, And you have nowhere to go. I’m too old for this shit. When all is lost And you’ve given up. I’m too old for this shit. If you believe, When there’s nothing else. You’re not too old for this shit. PSALM 72 When you feel tortured, Think… At least I’m not Mel from Payback, Fingers smashed by a sledgehammer. Or Mel from Lethal Weapon, Hung up and electrocuted by a weird ninja. Or Mel from Conspiracy Theory, Water boarded and impaled by a wheelchair. Or Mel from Braveheart, Drawn and quartered. Or Mel from Maverick Tied to the noose in the middle of the dessert Or Mel from Road Warrior Blown up and semi-conscious. When you feel tortured, Think… At least I’m not Mel. Haiku Reviews of Mel Classics Lethal Weapon: With the world’s best flow, And a “bad, bad attitude,” Riggs is Mel’s best work. Braveheart: When Braveheart debuted, The Academy just knew… “No need for a vote.” The Road Warrior: Here’s the synopsis… Opening scene. Chase sequence. That’s pretty much it. We Were Soldiers: One word describes this. Underappreciated. Very good war flick. Ransom: Man wants his boy back. Gets smooth-talked by detective. Nonsense. Mel’s the law. Signs: If aliens came. I’d expect Mel to save us. Then he’d rise again. The Cocktail Corner: The Mel 3 oz. Aussie Wine 2 oz. Dark Rum Ground Cinnamon A splash of Calf’s Blood Finish with Holy Water Garnish with strips from Creed’s album cover Apocalypto: 1/2 oz Captain Morgan 1/2 oz Melon Liqueur 2 Dashes Tabasco Sauce The Scalp of a Non-Believer Serve Over Inca Gold Cubes |
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Friday, 11 December 2009 |
|
Back by popular demand, one-letter-off movies! As December is the month for Oscar fare, every flick in the list below either won or was nominated for the Best Picture award. (Take a movie and switch a letter in the title with another one to create a whole new name, ex. The Lovely Bones = The Lovely Boner). To see more, check out the original 100 here.
1. A Farwell to Farms – ’32
2. It Happened One Fight – ‘34
3. A Mutiny on the Mounty – ‘35
4. Mr. Deeds Goes to Tows – ‘36
5. A Tale of Two Tities – ‘36
6. As Tar is Torn – ‘37
7. You Cunt, Take It With You – ‘38
8. Gore With the Wind – ‘39
9. Of Lice and Men – ‘39
10. The Wizard of O.T – ‘39
11. Out Town – ‘40
12. Citizen Kate – ‘41
13. The D Ride of the Yankees – ‘42
14. For Whoa! The Bell Tolls – ‘43
15. The Test Years of Our Lives – ‘46
16. The Treasure of Sierra Padre
17. Ill the King’s Men – ‘49
18. All About E-Z E – ‘50
19. An American in Bar Is…? – ‘51
20. The Greatest Shot on Earth – ‘52
21. Around the World in 80 Gays – ‘56
22. Hen-Hur – ‘59
23. Best Side Story – ‘61
24. Too Jones – ‘63
25. My Hair Lady – ‘64
26. The Sour D of Music – ‘65
27. A Tan of All Season – ’66
28. In the Teat of the Night – ’67
29. Olives – ’68
30. Rome Band: Juliet – ’68
31. Midnight Coi Boy – ’69
32. The French Confection – ‘71
33. The Bod Father – ‘72
34. The Stink – ‘73
35. The Godfather Past II – ‘74
36. One Blew Over he Cuckoo’s Nest – ‘75
37. Dog Day After Goon – ‘75
38. Stab Wars – ‘77
39. Heaven Can Wart – ‘78
40. Kramer Is Kramer – ‘79
41. All That Jizz – ‘79
42. Apocalypse Pow – ‘79
43. Raging Ball – ‘80
44. Chariots of Wire – ‘81
45. The Pig Chill – ‘83
46. The Right Staff – ‘83
47. Piss of the Spider Woman – ‘85
48. A Roof with a View – ‘86
49. The Lost Emperor – ‘87
50. Broadcast Newt – ‘87
51. Pain Man – ‘88
52. Porn on the Fourth of July – ‘89
53. My Left Fool – ‘89
54. Beauty and the Yeast – ‘91
55. The Prince of Rides – ‘91
56. The Crying Lame – ‘92
57. A Few Hood Man – ‘92
58. Coward’s End – ‘92
59. Spent of a Woman – ‘92
60. Schindler’s Lisp – ‘93
61. Forrest Pump – ‘94
62. Four Weddings, Ant, a Funeral – ‘94
63. Pulp Diction – ‘94
64. Quiz Shop – ‘94
65. The Shaw Skank Redemption – ‘94
66. Bare – ‘95
67. Cargo – ‘96
68. Berry Maguire – ‘96
69. Secrets & Pies – ‘96
70. Shire – ‘96
71. As Good As It Pets – ‘97
72. The Dull Monty – ‘97
73. L.T. Confidential – ‘97
74. Shakespeare in Cove – ‘98
75. Wife is Beautiful – ‘98
76. American Beasty – ‘99
77. The Green Milf – ‘99
78. The Insides – ‘99
79. Grouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – ‘00
80. Grin Brokovich – ‘00
81. A Beautiful Mine – ‘01
82. Gosford Pork – ‘01
83. Bangs of New York – ‘02
84. Pea, Biscuit – ‘03
85. Brash – ‘05
86. Good Night, Good Fuck – ‘05
87. Letters From Two Jima – ‘06
88. Little Mass Sunshine – ‘06
89. The Queer – ‘06
90. No Country for Odd Men – ‘07
91. Junk – ‘07
92. There Will Be Brood – ‘07
93. The Curious Cast of Benjamin Button – ‘08
94. Star Wreck – ’09 Hopeful
95. The Hurt Licker – ’09 Hopeful
96. None – ’09 Hopeful
97. Fantastic Mr. Box – ’09 Hopeful
98. Us – ’09 Hopeful
99. Julia and Julio – ’09 Hopeful
100. The Lovely Boner – ’09 Hopeful
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Thursday, 03 December 2009 |
|
 If ol’ Tommy Haynes Bayly was right, and absence makes the heart grow fonder, than you bros are going to LOVE this newsletter. I apologize that it's been so long, I have no one to blame but myself (and Ninja Assassins, FlashForward, fantasy football, Netflix, FX’s frequent airing of Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift, the Avatar trailer, Shakira music videos on YouTube, and Katrina). On the Twelfth Day of a TNT Movie Marathon: On the twelfth day of a TNT movie marathon, My TiVo sent to me ... Twelve Predators hunting, Eleven Snipers sniping
Ten Lords a-ringing, Nine knights a-lancing, Eight McClane’s a-killing, Seven Vin’s a-racing, Six Crowe’s a-slaying, Five Gibson flicks, Four Colin Firths, Three Sean Penns, Two Home Alones, And a Bus going over 50! Movies of a Certain Age: With the new show Men of a Certain Age, starring Ray Romano, and the recently released flick, Old Dogs, it seems that middle aged, divorced white males may be the new ‘vampires.’ Here are ten new projects that fit into this genre… 10: Spinning Out of Control: Like the Breakfast Club, but set in an all-guy spinning class. 9: The Credit Score: A group of buddies, with good credit, attempt to rob an Insurance Agency. 8: The Sauna Sessions: A bunch of guys hang out in a Sauna for extended periods. 7: Midlife Vice: A group of forty-something detectives go undercover in Vero Beach. 6: Middling Managers: This sitcom follows a bunch of tolerable coworkers. 5: Power Lunch: Series tracks several friends that fight crime during their lunch breaks. 4: Lake Flacid: A drama about a retired hockey coach looking for romance in Upstate New York. 3: Colt Forties: A couple of forty something cowboys re-enter the world of competitive bull riding. 2: The Softball Diaries: A rec-league softball player’s path to glory takes a turn for the worse when he rolls his ankle playing basketball with his nephew. 1: 36 Again: A fifty year old goes back in time. To his mid thirties. WOAHHHH. Things Overheard on the Set of The Fighter, the Mickey Ward Biography Starring Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale… - What do you do for your delts?
- Mel was spot on.
- Why isn’t there a lighting director on set?
- Let’s try that one again, only less serious.
- I will fucking kill you if that’s not low fat.
- I know everyone’s kind of scarred of you, but Newsies was gay.
- For the last fucking time, it’s Christian.
- I still don’t believe you’re British.
- I’m going to rip your jugular out if you mess with my blocking one more time Marcus.
- It’s funny if you beat the nerd up after the joke.
- I know we’re rolling, this is me in character.
- Yea, well, where’s your HBO show about your buddies?
- I’m not going to let you spot me if you keep telling me that I’m lifting incorrectly.
- Chris, I usually slug people that drink skim milk.
The Lame-ictionary: Terms to Help Explain the Twilight Phenomenon Twi-Sexual: Refers to a straight male that enjoys the series. Twi-Polar: People that are totally normal and cool except for their Twilight fandom. Your opinion of them can change at the drop of a hat. Twi-ceps: Stringy, barely-defined arms that are typically hugged by smedium t shirt sleeves. Also see: Hipster Limbs. Twi-carbonate: The chemical compound that many scientists believe is responsible for bad taste. Shang-twi: Describes Twilight fans of Chinese descent. Not to be confused with Twi-land. Twinoculars: A special kind of goggles that allow men to target female Twilight fans at a bar. Allows unsuspecting males to steer clear and avoid a future full of creepy text messages and Wall posts. Twiology: The study of Twilight fans. Also see: ‘Weird Science.’ Twiracial: Anyone that’s not a white female under the age of 18 that reads Twilight. That makes you a minority. Twi-Fidelity: Anytime John Cusak is confused for a vampire. Twi Space: A social media network where no one is judged by their number of friends. Haiku Reviews: Men Who Stare At Goats: The Cohen Brothers Only make these kind of flicks. More ‘wacky’ is good. Fantastic Mr. Fox: I really liked it. Felt pretentious watching it. I don’t care. Still good. |
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Monday, 02 November 2009 |
|
In the past week, Nicholas Cage has signed on to an ambitious 3D revenge thriller, committed to a movie called Hungry Rabbit Jumps, and has dropped out of The Green Hornet. So that means, in less than 168 hours, Mr. Cage has chosen to headline two bizarre gambles and has exited a surefire superhero blockbuster. And with pics about a sorcerer’s apprentice and a medieval witch hunt due out within the next six months, it’s safe to say that the Oscar winner has emerged as the most unconventional, least predictable A-lister of all time. That’s why we went ahead and took a guess at Nic Cage’s next twenty moves…
1. Casted as JonBenet Ramsey in the biopic Pageant Princess.
2. Toplines the remake of Ishtar.
3. Turns down Spielberg’s invitation to play Abraham Lincoln.
4. Finances a bro-mantic comedy starring Heidi and Spencer.
5. Boards the sci-fi epic Firth-Control, a film about a pill that makes woman immune to Collin Firth’s charm. Cage plays an evil scientist.
6. Writes, directs, and stars in Cage Match, a violent reinvention of Multiplicity.
7. His production company green-lights a movie about the making of Mulan. Cage will play the head animator.
8. Produces a documentary about what he does on the weekend, titled Nic At Night.
9. Agrees with Dreamworks Animation to have a bit voice part in every one of their movies for the next 25 years.
10. Dives back into his Gone In 60 Seconds character, Memphis Reigns, for a slow paced drama centered on his troubled relationship with brother Kip (Giovanni Ribisi). This one’s tentatively called ‘Reign Man.’
11. Delivers a one-man performance of The Wizard of Oz on Broadway.
12. Authors a tell-all book about the filming of It Could Happen to You, titled It Happened to Me.
13. Records a concept album with Eddie Vedder, the rock opus Caged Animal.
14. Ignites a bidding war between Viagra and Cialis when he announces that he’ll be the spokesperson for only one E.D pill.
15. Climbs through over 300 chimneys in 4 continents this December in his bid to become the most widely recognized Saint Nic.
16. Backs the Republican Party.
17. Dives into the sports genre as the title character in the Brian Scalabrine story, The High Screen.
18. Spearheads a project concerning the First Reich. The one that wasn’t really interesting.
19. Signs on to Heath Ledger’s next three flicks.
20. Headlines the Nic Cage story. As Marie Presly.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Friday, 04 September 2009 |
|
According to the Hollywood Reporter, MTV is “reinventing” Teen Wolf. The new version will “draw from the horror genre to explore werewolf mythology” and will enhance the original’s romantic subplot. The remake will also be more of a “dramatic thriller” and is described as having an “American Werewolf in Paris feel.” In other words, the story is being stripped of all of its beloved elements and is being sculpted into a darker Twilight. Nice. Here are ten other classics MTV is planning to bastardize, I mean “reinvent.”
1. Beauty and the Beast: Belle is the beautiful cheerleader. Gaston is the captain of the football team. Beast is a Goth, cursed to forever paint his nails, dress in black, and bitch. Mrs. Potts and Cogsworths are replaced by a studded belt and eyeliner. They don’t dance so much as just sit around and mope.
2. Groundhog Day: Phil, a freshman in high school, experiences picture day. Over and over and over again. Not only does he keep waking up with bad hair, but the annoying school bully is dishing out knuckle sandwiches and Rita, his crush, doesn’t even know he exists?
3. Godfather: Re-imagined as a romantic comedy, this version focuses on Michael’s hilarious attempts to run the family business and his wild and zany brothers and sister.
4. E.T. the Extra Terrestrial: Dark and sexy, this take follows Elliot, a brooding bad boy, that discovers a beautiful, quiet, BMX-riding babe alien. All she wants to do is tweet home.
5. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid: Friendship and bank robbing come secondary here, as this version extends Butch and Etta’s awkward bike riding scene into a full length feature. Fall Out Boy covers “Rain Drops Keep Fall On My Head.” The movie still ends in a freeze frame, but this time it’s of the two lovers walking off into the sunset.
6. Bull Durham: A somber drama, the new one tracks the tumultuous relationship between freshman fireballer Nuke and senior stalwart Crash. The season’s success hinges on their ability to co-exist, a friendship that is tested when both players fall for recent high school graduate, Annie. No jokes in this one. Just a lot of forelonging.
7. The Usual Suspects: A handful of detention regulars get caught up in a vandalism plot that’s being orchestrated by a mysterious and infamous high school trouble-maker. The movie is narrated by a goody-two-shoes math tutor that somehow becomes involved with the prank. He relates the story to the principle.
8. 12 Angry Men: The courtroom classic goes to college. In this version, 12 members of a university’s Judicial Board deliberate on the fate of a Frat that broke the rules. Some are bros. Some aren’t. They’re all angry. Angry drunk.
9. Spartacus: It’s pledge season and all of the sorority-wanna-bes are being put through awful, humiliating tests. Everyone falls in line until one brave, out-spoken frosh decides to fight back. Her rebellious nature inspires the rest of the rushes.
10. Saving Private Ryan: All but one member of Troop 318 has fallen sick due to rotten Forget-Me-Nots. A group of select Girl Scouts are dispatched to find Brownie Amy Ryan before she digs into a bad box or, worse, delivers it to a customer. Good-for-nothing Boy Scouts are hot on their trail, desperately trying to foil their plans.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Friday, 28 August 2009 |
|
Recently, news came out that Warner Brothers was considering several actors for the role of Green Lantern; Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, Justin Timberlake, Jared Leto, and a few others. The list sent a mini shockwave throughout the blogosphere, with everyone with a keyboard and a masturbatory infatuation with their own opinion – guilty – weighing in on the candidates. Then, as quickly as the news came out, the studio simmered us all down by announcing that Reynolds was the choice. W.B’s public invitation to the casting process generated significant buzz for a movie that hasn’t even set a shooting schedule. Well done fellas. But why stop there?
If a studio has three to five guys (or ladies) circled for a role, why not hold a vote? Think about it. What if, a couple weeks ago, Warner Brothers came out and said that “we’ve narrowed our choice for Green Lantern down to three talented, terrific actors and we want the fans to let us know who they’d want to see play Hal Jordan.” Isn’t this a win-win for everyone involved? By being ‘included’ in the process, viewers are going to be inherently more invested in the finished product. If you voted, and your guy won, wouldn’t you want to see how he does? For the studio, they get people excited and talking about their project months before its release date. And, they end up with the actor the ‘people’ want to see. Couldn’t you see a marketing campaign centered around this idea: “Come See America’s Superhero.”
Now saying that, wouldn’t this be absolutely perfect for Captain America? Supposedly the iconic superhero has a solo movie coming out in 2011 and then he’ll be a part of the Avengers blockbuster the following summer. I’m not going to pretend that I have any clue who’s being circled, but what’s wrong with Marvel releasing their three favorites and letting the country vote? This would work. You could also have the actors – if they wanted to – actively campaign for the role. They could document why they’d be the best bet via youtube videos, web sites, press releases, etc. This would be captivating stuff. All of a sudden you’d have an eagerly anticipated movie before the basic parts are even assembled.
But I guess I understand why a mega movie like Captain America may prove too risky to test this out on. You wouldn’t want to get people too excited, too soon, and then lose all the established momentum because you’re still a year+ away from releasing it. Also, the worst case scenario – that it backfires and kills the picture – is, yes, bad for any movie, but could be crippling for a studio if it’s a big budget tentpole. So why not try this out on a horror movie or a romantic comedy? Television has been absolutely redefined by fan involvement. There’s a reason why American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, and America’s Got Talent are three of the most watched shows of their respective seasons. If you let us participate, we will participate. I think it’s as simple as that.
So there you go Hollywood. Borrow the idea, bastardize it, do what ever you’d like with it. Publish ten alternate endings to a story, have the fans vote on the best climax, film the winner, then force people to go to the movie if they want to see which sequence was selected. List a cast of characters from a slasher flick, a brief paragraph on who’s who, and then have people vote on who they want to see die first. You could have them vote on how’d you like to see them die. Go crazy. Is this a flawless idea? Of course not. But interactive filmmaking is a concept with enough potential that it’d be worth giving a shot. I know if, today, a studio gave me a smidgen of say in the movie-making process, I’m in. Even it’s for the next John Cena flick. Let us know what you think – would this work? – and stay tuned for more Fresh Frat ideas.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Wednesday, 19 August 2009 |
|
The Academy’s announcement that they are extending the best picture category to 10 nominees got us wondering if we could come up with ten Oscar-related changes, adjustments, or additions that would possibly be worse than that one. The following was our best effort. 10: Force the inevitably awkward and foreign winner of the Best Animated Short category to give a fifteen minute acceptance speech. 9: Everyone has a chance. The MLB has a rule that every team in the league must have one representative in the all-star game. What if the Oscars did this with studios? In other words, every studio needed at least one of their movies in the Best Picture category. “And from Rogue Pictures, they’ve submitted Saw VI.” The good news here is that Michael Bay’s production company, Platinum Dunes, would finally be guaranteed some love. 8: An Oscar must be handed out to everyone in the credits of a Best Picture winner. “Fourth assistant to Mr. Day Lewis, the sixth key grip, the pastry advisor, the tailor’s apprentice, security’s chauffeurs…” 7: The Academy introduces the ‘Supporting of the Supporting Actors and Actresses’ awards. These honor the best fourth, fifth, or sixth leads in a movie. You must be in the film for 30 minutes or less to qualify. Brian Cox would absolutely own this category. 6: Sean Penn hosts the ceremonies. Every year. 5: The Academy encourages all Oscar winners to use his or her acceptance speech as a platform for their political beliefs. Republicans everywhere tune out unless Tom Selleck, James Woods, Arnold, Clint Eastwood, or Angie Harmon is up for a statue - or Reagan’s getting the posthumous lifetime achievement award. 4: Every year, in the middle of the Oscars, there’s a 7-10 minute montage of all the performers that have died in the past calendar year. What if the Academy decided to honor the living and had a montage of all the people in Hollywood that DIDN’T die? Much happier, right? 3. The Oscars have three to four judges, a la American Idol, that offer their two cents on every last nominee, from best sound mixing to best picture. I’d hope to God that they’d lock down Burt Reynolds for the Simon role. “Naw. Didn’t like it. Didn’t think he was that good. Sucked, to be honest with ya. Next.” 2: For certain categories, the host would operate the good ol’ fashioned camp director applause-o-meter. He’d put his arm in the classic L-shape, read the list of nominees, and then let the roar of the crowd determine the winner. Obviously, like all applause-o-meter outcomes in the history of high school talent shows, this one would yield totally corrupt and disputed results. Captivating television though. 1: You open the Best Picture category up to 10 nominees. Wait… |
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Thursday, 11 June 2009 |
All action movies can be split into three categories; the bad ones, the good ones, and the great ones. The specifics - what goes where – isn’t nearly as important as the qualities and characteristics that separate one category from another. Whether a certain movie meets these qualifications is, and should always be, left up to the individual viewer. And though what divides the awful from the average is sometimes simply a matter of preference, what keeps an action flick from ascending to the top bin typically comes down to one fact. Did it have the ‘intangibles.’
A straight up, by the books action movie – see the most recent Terminator or every Jason Statham picture – can, at the most, only be ‘good.’ To be great, it needs to have more. The movie needs to marry genres, surprise you, spook you, thrill you - anything extra that makes the action not only more real and credible, but in the end, more enjoyable. These are the intangibles. And though there are hundreds of these, five main ones emerge.
 This last Indy picture was funny...for all of the wrong reasons
Believable Love Interest – I’ve long come to grips with the fact that big budget movies, in the studios eyes, require some sort of ‘significant other.’ Ok. But I still don’t understand why this character needs to constantly be a detriment to the picture as a whole. And, keep in mind, this is rarely the actresses fault. Many of these young women are set up to fail with their roles. Meryl Streep isn’t making Hancock work. However, and not to ruin my argument by referencing Top Gun, but a credible love angle adds seriousness to silly moments. Goose’s death matters in Top Gun way more than it should because of his few scenes with Meg Ryan. That worked. See Val Kilmer and Ashley Judd in Heat for another example. I think viewers would be surprised with how much more they enjoy an action movie if the screenwriter spent more than five minutes and a pencil etching of a mini skirt with the female lead.
 Rickman has played the villian as four separate characters. Name them in the comments below
The ‘Didn’t See it Coming’ Moment – This could also be known as ‘the traitor’ intangible. A dull action movie can be flipped on its head if it surprises you. Nothing earns your attention more than the unexpected. Unfortunately, most people either see this intangible coming a mile away – Howie Long in Broken Arrow – or it doesn’t make any sense – Downey Jr. in U.S. Marshalls. Nothing pisses me off more than when a supporting character is revealed to be a bad guy and his motives or intentions aren’t teased AT ALL. ‘Hey guess what everyone…he’s bad. Fooled you.’ No, that’s no surprising. It’s infuriating. See Vantage Point for one of the worst executions of this intangible in recent history. Again, though, when done properly, this intangible, like the others, can make a movie. Does The Departed win an Oscar if the elevator scene doesn’t surprise everyone that’s ever seen it? But there was nothing cheap about it. The perfect ‘didn’t see that coming’ moment.
The Polarizing Special Effect – I’m Ok with sacrificing story for spectacle, but if you’re going to do it, than you better make damn sure that the spectacle is going to kick ass. Wolverine didn’t suck because it was an incoherent series of action sequences. It sucked because the action sequences sucked. You had seen everything in that movie – action-wise – done before. Then you have The Matrix. Without the slow-mo bullet dodging and never-seen-before karate, the movie isn’t nearly as successful / good. It killed the spectacle. In fact, it triggered a number of shitty action movies that failed this intangible because they basically duplicated what they had just seen in The Matrix.
There are hundreds of other intangibles – the backstory, the legitimately spooky moment, the loveable veteran that dies in the middle, etc., etc. What’s surprising about all of this is that great action movies don’t necessarily need to get a lot of these right do be classics. In fact, sometimes hitting one intangible out of the park is enough. So why does Hollywood choose to ignore and half ass these. I can’t think of a reason. But I bet you the makers of Fast and Furious could give me 170 million reasons why they’re not important.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Saturday, 11 April 2009 |
|
 Cage and Vampires, so hot right now. Cage as a Vampire? Priceless
In Hollywood, for one reason or another, a certain genre can just catch fire. A few recent examples of this phenomenon include Scream spawning a number of copycat slashers in the late 90s, Training Day ushering in a handful of ‘beyond the law cop’ flicks in the mid 2000s – see Dark Blue and Harsh Times - and Apatow single handedly creating the ‘doughy dude snags hot lady’ series of movies that pop up every other month.
 The alternate title of 'Dangerous Minds' was 'My Posse Don't Do Homework'....no joke
The Vampire: I don’t know why, but the general public just can’t get enough. We like them sexy, ugly, young, old, terrifying, charming, funny, serious, smart, dumb, in books, on the radio, in movies, on the small screen - anyway you can cook them, we will eat them. You want to get a movie made? Just add a vampire. ‘I want to make a Western about the first years of the gold rush.’ ‘No.’ ‘And how they fought vampires.’ ‘Bingo.’ And with Priest and Elevator Man, the latest two stories about bloodsuckers and those that fight them to be put into production, the Vampire genre has emerged to be, ironically, immortal.
The Brooding Superhero: Outside of a handsome Nosferatu, no one is more popular right now than the angsty, revenge-driven comic book hero. Couple this with LA’s recent fetish for dark graphic novels, and you have yourself a handful of metaphysical masked men that aren’t going anywhere. Though this genre didn’t begin with the Dark Knight – believe it or not, big budget movies have taken themselves seriously before – the success of Christopher Nolan’s two Batman films has changed the way, for the most part, audiences digest comic-themed movies. For example, the producers of both Spider Man 4 and the next Superman have said that their respective studio will be taking the franchises in a much ‘darker direction.’
The Toy Line: When scrapped for ideas, sift through the toy chest; it worked for Michael Bay. And now, with G.I Joe bowing in August, studios are turning to toy stores for inspiration. How else can you explain Tom Hanks’ next project, Major Matt Mason? This inevitable money-maker is based on Mattel’s 70s-era Matt Mason Collection, a series of astronaut toys that were released in correspondence with the U.S space race. There’s also rumors that a Stretch Amrstrong movie is currently in development. Seriously. Expect Hollywood to pilfer Toys R Us’ archives for future tentpoles.
The Clue-to-Clue Mystery: The Da Vinci Code’s ‘one-puzzle-piece-at-a-time’ style narrative bred two National Treasures and a prequel. Now Spielberg has acquired the movie rights to the multi-platform adventure series ‘The 39 Clues.’ The picture’s about a supernatural family whose powers can only be ‘unraveled by assembling 39 clues hidden around the world throughout history.’ Several books and a series of trading cards will precede the film. Unlike most traditional mysteries, these movies marry an adventurous globe-trotting pace with a ‘who-dunnit’ core. As long as Nic Cage is involved, we’re all winners.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Friday, 20 March 2009 |
|
The American Medical Association is coming for you Hollywood. They are absolutely furious that Warner Brothers would have the audacity to promote a movie that featured cigarettes in a prominent role. Why should we care? Check this out:
In He’s Just Not that Into You, Jennifer Connelly learns that her husband has been smoking behind her back. This realization comes on the heels of his confessed affair and is the proverbial ‘straw the breaks the camel’s back’ – launching her into melt down mode. Following this discovery, she packs up his stuff, buys a pack of Luckys, and attaches a note to it that says “knock yourself out, I want a divorce.” That – and the fact that Connelly alludes to her father’s ‘death by smoking’ earlier in the movie – is the role cigarettes play in the film. They kill people and marriages. Sounds like the AMA should be happy, right? Nope, they are pissed.
Now, I’m not going to defend big tobacco, that’s not where my problem lies. I’m just a bit unsettled that a scientific institution like the AMA has dubbed the average movie viewer so impressionable. Are we to believe that we’re really so subconsciously affected by movies that, even when a message is presented in a negative context, we will still buy into it? Movies are passed through an audience’s ‘common sense’ filter like every other form of medium. If it’s bad on screen, it’s bad off it; we film fans aren’t beyond this concept.
For example, Leaving Las Vegas didn’t make me want me to drink myself to death. I didn’t eat anyone’s face after seeing Silence of the Lambs. I didn’t go out and buy a blood diamond after Leo’s movie ended. Yes, these aren’t the same as smoking, but I still think there should be cause for concern if the AMA wins this case. If you can’t present ‘bad things’ in a ‘bad light,’ then how do you present them? Do you just ignore them? How bout from now on, before every gun is fired in a movie, the character has to mutter ‘thank God I registered this legal fire arm and know how to use it responsibly.’ Or in every chase sequence, there are constant shots of the odometer to show that the protagonist is going the speed limit. And every sex scene should follow a brief dialogue about condoms. If we are so influenced by what we see, why not make movies a reflection of a utopian society; wouldn’t we all be the better for it?
Now, I get that this is all a little extreme and that the AMA’s concern is simply over the mere presence of cigarettes in a PG13 movie. But there could be a bigger problem here. Those in charge of making, reviewing, and censoring movies need to trust that the people watching it aren’t idiots. If they do so, movies will eventually be void of any potentially controversial lines, moments, or scenes. So, consider this an open letter to the AMA. We appreciate you worrying about us, but we’re not morons. Hollywood, don’t listen to them.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Wednesday, 04 March 2009 |
|
This actor is the lead in one of the most anticipated movies of all time. He’s the number two guy in a reboot of a beloved franchise, expected to be one of the biggest hits of the summer. He was just signed on to headline a remake of Clash of the Titans, a big budget remake of the ’81 movie about Perseus’ epic quest for the princess Andromeda. And he’s locked into a starring role in The Debt, a potential 2010 Oscar contender with The Queen’s Helen Mirren concerning a Mossad agent’s four decade long hunt for a Nazi war criminal. Who is this guy? Depp? Pitt? Hanks or Leo? Nope. Try Sam Worthington.
 Cameron and Worthington on the set of Avatar, the real-life Aquaman
The second question, and the one that baffles me, is ‘how did he land these four movies?’ Here are my ten best guesses:
10: He has a master agent that has manipulated studio after studio into gambling on a relatively unknown actor. ‘Damon is yesterday’s news. Trust me, take my guy. You’ll be celebrated for having the courage to discover raw talent.’
9: Worthington is the smoothest con man ever and has somehow ended up way over his head. ‘Believe me, I’m huge Down Under. I’m basically the next Hugh Jackman and Kidman…’
8: He fell into some ridiculous dirt on James Cameron. ‘Cast me as the star of Avatar, and convince McG to put me into the new Terminator, and I’ll burn these picture of you in Thailand.’
7: He found a Genie and asked for stardom.
6: Worthington is actually the newest technological creation by Cameron. He’s a terminator. A handsome, foreign terminator.
5: Hollywood was due for a roll of the dice and in typical fashion, when one gamble is made, that action becomes duplicated by everyone else – thus nullifying the risk. Worthington just had the fortune of being the passed around poker chip.
4: Obama’s behind it. Turns out the president is a die hard of fan of Australian day time television and stumbled upon Sam the Man during an episode of ‘The Surgeon.’ Barack loves a long shot and demanded Worthington get immediate A list status.
3: Sam Worthington is actually Heath Ledger. Heath was tired of his career trajectory and wanted to star anew. ‘Worthington’ is just one huge method acting performance by one of our greatest actors.
2: All right, I’m going to go ‘Wag the Dog’ on you for this one. In that movie, the White House stages a fake military coupe to distract the world from a presidential scandal. So here’s what I think: Hollywood is so terrified of an actor’s strike, that they decided to create the ultimate movie star to save the industry. Bigger than Clooney, Streep, and Pitt combined, Worthington and his movies will make us forget that the business is in total chaos.
1: Worthington is the stimulus package. The three trillion plus dollar proposal became so big and ludicrous that it materialized into human form. The package figured that the best way to save the economy was to become a giant movie star, make wildly successful and entertaining movies, and get everyone spending again. Simple.
What do you think? Is Sam a machine or maybe, just maybe, is he a talented actor that caught a couple well-deserved breaks? Nah. he’s a T4000.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Monday, 23 February 2009 |
|
Dealing in hypotheticals narrows broad discussions. For example, it's easier to debate which NBA player you'd take first in a league wide draft than it is to answer, straight up, 'who's the best.' Hypotheticals give the argument direction by introducing guidelines to the question at hand. So instead of trying to figure out who the most bankable person in Hollywood is, let's instead deal in a hypothetical…
 I'll bet Pattinson takes a horror film where he gets premonitions of death via text messages.
But the bottom line is that, though you want your choice to deliver significantly in one category, the ideal pick will still contribute to the other one. I mean, sure there are a handful of 'sure bets' or safe picks; you're not going to strike out with Matt Damon, DiCaprio or Johnny Depp. But, from a strictly business point of view, I'm going to argue the 'right' choice: Meryl Streep.
 She is really one of the only people in Hollywood that produces both quality content and hits at a 50 / 50 rate. She has an unheard of 13 Oscar nominations, two wins, the biggest movie in U.K. box office history, and she's only getting more dependable and bankable with age. She's one of the few 'guaranteed acclaim' picks that works more than once a year – she's done 10 movies since '06. Daniel Day Lewis has done one. It's like she can't stay away from work. She's always relevant and, more importantly, always for the right reasons. And though she's one of the most successful actors going, she's not polarized by her celebrity the way Jolie, Pitt, Clooney, Aniston, and others are. She's only discussed in terms of her craft; she exists as 'Meryl Streep, actress.' Her name doesn't stand alone the way the aforementioned ones do. And that's a good thing.
Unfortunately, hypotheticals are supposed to be fun, and logical answers make for dull debate. It's like the guy who takes Tim Duncan with the first pick. It's boring. It's not necessarily original, but it makes total sense. Meryl Streep is the Tim Duncan of Hollywood; only a hundred times more likeable. For the most part, she makes the actors around her and picture as a whole better. But most importantly, she automatically fills a hole not many people in the business can plug. Consider this, the Portland Trail Blazers basically drafted Greg Oden over Kevin Durant because a true center is harder to come by than a scorer. This is exactly why I go Streep. Why sign Christian Bale to a three year deal when there are several other actors out there that 'do' the same thing? I can find an action hero or and bankable male star anywhere. Name one other actress that delivers as frequently as Meryl Streep?
So, if we're circling back and using this hypothetical to figure out the 'most bankable person in Hollywood,' than I think you can absolutely make a fair case the Streep's the one. And if this wasn't fantasy and I actually signed her to a multi picture deal, you can bet your ass you'll be seeing The River Wild 2 fairly soon. Frat.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Thursday, 05 February 2009 |
|
Every now and then, fans of all kinds are asked - against their better judgment - to defend the actions of the person or organization they root for. Sports fans will talk themselves into a foolish trade. A groupie has to like their band's crappy single. A film buff will argue for their favorite director's latest, even if it is universally despised. All fans go through this. Loving something blindly – through good times and bad – is one of the beauties of fandom. But sometimes you have to put your foot down.
Now we here at BillFrat.com like to defend our own – even when no one else will. When Burt Reynolds slapped the journalist, we called the interviewer a hack. When Cruise jumped on the couch, we said that it's a shame the media can't recognize true love. We believe that the Fast and the Furious trilogy is strong from Vin Diesel to Tokyo Drift and that Keanu's work in the Matrix is that of existential brilliance. Are we wrong? Maybe. We're just not going to admit it.
Today, Christian Bale, a frat favorite, has been placed in front of the firing squad because of a hissy fit he threw at a crew member. He was caught on tape berating a lighting designer because the guy screwed up his shot. Bale calls him an amateur, says he'll kick his ass, and basically loses his mind for 4, 5 minutes. He also, at one point, says 'it's like you've never worked with actors before.' The guys comes off like a grade A d bag. This is where I would usually come in and say something like, 'oh come on, he should be revered for taking his craft so seriously' or 'the crew around him should respect his level of professionalism and stay away.' But that'd be bull shit.
Christian Bale deserves the beating he'll take from the media and the bloggers on this one. Though what he did isn't enough for me to swear off his future movies – I mean, he is Batman and John Connor – it is going to be near impossible liking him from here on out. That video reveals Bale as the kind of guy that assumes he is above 'the help;' the kind that bad mouths waitresses when the food's cold, screams at customer service representatives, and never tips a cabbie. Basically, it shows that he's a giant prick. And lets not forget that Bale was accused of hitting his mother and sister a half a year ago. Though those charges were dropped, this recent flip out certainly makes you think.
So listen Christian, you are making a Terminator movie. This isn't Shakespeare. You're not writing a masterpiece. I'm sorry the person screwed up your take. Suck in your cheeks, narrow your eyes, lower your voice, and do it again. We used to be friends dude, why'd you have to go and act like the biggest asshole in the world. I mean, couldn't you have just trashed a hotel room or got caught with drugs like every other actor. We forget all about that shit - look at Downey Jr. But you acted like you're above everyone else when you're just an actor. That doesn't mean you're an artist. It means you're a dick.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Wednesday, 14 January 2009 |
 "The only thing Costner is good for is getting me another beer"
If you want to bring a genre back to life, you need to commit. When Disney attempted to reignite the 'Pirate Genre' they didn't float it over to some fresh face scrub and wish him the best. They brought on Depp, threw 100+ million at the movie, and scheduled it for the summer. Sure, if that had tanked, that would've signaled the end of high seas high jinks, but it's certainly better than the slow death they've been giving the Western. If Hollywood really wants to test its appeal, they need to stop going the indie route and put some bucks behind it – pun intended.
And if Ridley Scott and Leo team up for a colossal dessert failure and the stake is finally put through the genre's heart, then well…at least you tried. And maybe - though Hollywood and the purists probably don't want to admit it – maybe the genre is dead. Could be that the western just doesn't stand a chance in the Superhero, CGI-dominated world we live in. Why watch a couple deputies trot amongst the tumbling weeds when Michael Bay is making cars transform into robots? There's a reason why nobody watches hockey anymore. If you over saturate the market with flashier products, people are going to leave the dull ones.
All I'm saying is, if you're going to try, than try. And if not, than pouring out passable flicks – like 3:10 Yuma – is just going to remind audiences of what they're really missing. Fans eventually give up on teams that are just ok season after season. It's easier to root for a stinker because you know that there's no place to go but up. But the Western is the Hollywood equivalent of the Milwaukee Bucks – a team that's always just bad enough to finish outside the playoffs and good enough to be 12 picks away from anyone that'll help. Their mediocrity – same with Westerns – has killed them.
 It's like Independence Day meets Wild, Wild West, which both oddly enough star Will Smith
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Friday, 26 December 2008 |
Before we get into the defense, lets stop and think about the prosecution for a moment. Why does everyone hate Cruise? You ask anyone this and they'll give you a plethora of answers – he's crazy, he's not a good actor, he's obnoxious, he's smug, he's a scientologist, he frowns on medication, he uses his celebrity as a platform to promote and preach his individualistic beliefs – these are all bad. But they're not all fair.
First off, the guy's not terrible at his profession. The consensus that he's a bad actor came about only after he had fallen out of favor with the American public. Now, it's not like Tom was thought of as a gifted actor before the Oprah fiasco, but the second he jumped on that couch, everyone just assumed that his craziness extended into his performances. And that's just not true. He's either average or good in everything. The guy is limited but he has great presence, is always watchable, and – most importantly – is never bad. But, because it's easier to dislike a bad actor versus a good one – I mean, there's a reason no one hates the asshole Sean Penn – Cruise is considered lousy.
 Second, I find it difficult to fault someone for a belief system when the majority of us can't possibly understand the world in which the religion is applicable. Everybody knows who Cruise is, where he is, and what he's doing at al times. Do I think that believing in Aliens is crazy? Yes. But so is being hounded for a photo, autograph, or sound bite every other second. If Scientology makes sense to people that live and operate within a nonsensical industry, then so be it. Plus, nobody seems to care that Travolta, Beck, Jason Lee, Brandy, Paul Haggis, Bart Simpson and hundreds others are scientologist.
And third, he's a good guy. Supposedly, before doing a movie, Cruise will memorize the name of every crewmember on set so that he can thank each one personally. That says a lot about a person. It says that, celebrity and millions aside, the guy has his priorities straight. I also like that he embraces his stature and doesn't act like his celebrity is a burden. He's always the biggest guy at throwaway events like the MTV Movie and People Choice Awards. You never see Johnny Depp or Russell Crowe at those. He loves what he does and you should be pissed at those don't.
There's no getting around the fact that Cruise is a bit wacky. But, for Christ Sakes, so is Kevin Garnett, Bono, Jack Nicholson, Richard Branson and thousand others. I was disappointed when he made an ass of himself on the Today Show, but life under a microscope as large as his is going to eventually reveal a few blemishes. I'm bummed that his reputation is shot; I wish there was more I could do. I hate the fact that I can't watch Jerry Maguire in a group anymore without having to listen to cheap shot after cheap shot. However, if I can convince just one person a week that Cruise isn't that bad, than, well, this is a cross I am more happy to bare. Cruise, bro, I got your back. Frat.
|
|
|
Bill Frat
|
|
Tuesday, 23 December 2008 |
Don't get me wrong. I love the Bourne Trilogy. The Dark Knight is one my favorites and I couldn't be more excited for the new Terminator. But I'm worried that 'dark and foreboding' is going to be the default mood for every big budget action flick. I mean, you can't argue with results, but bleaker isn't always better.
 "Shoot the hostage"
It's tough to find flaws in this trend when the movies it has spawned have been terrific. It's not necessarily a bad thing that every super hero movie is now trying to be like the Dark Knight and every spy movie like Bourne. You knew there was no turning back when the cad of cads – James Bond – grew a scowl and a conscience. You just can't see the Brosnan Bond movies surviving or succeeding in a post Bourne environment. We're too 'smart' for them now.
For the most part, we just don't tolerate 'wink wink' action anymore. And I'm not so sure this is a good thing. I'm a firm believer that if 'Shoot em Up' came out in early 2000, it would have been a hit. It was fun. Simple, stupid fun. We used to like that. But Bourne, for better or worse, has turned us into pretentious action fans. And if we're not careful – if we don't go out and see movies like Death Race – we're going to lose them all. So, do me a favor, when Transformers 2 comes out this summer – you know Bay isn't going serious – go out and see it. Frat.
|
|
|
